it's off to Prague I go. I am starting to feel indifferent. I am not sure I want to have children at this point. If this shows I have no eggs, I would feel sad but also relieved that the struggle is now over. I am tired of suffering and want to take control of my life. Now, I need to deal with my career and get it back on track. It has been suffering for the past 1.5 years. I want to get a new job, preferrably out of this fucking little kingdom. But I do not want to return back to the states. I like Europe very much, despite its problems.
Yesterday, I went to healer J, the one who taught me to talk to my G.A. He said that I need to learn to talk to my heart and that I need to learn to love myself -the same message I got from my G.A. He told me to connect with my heart every day the same way I connect with my G.A. He also told me that he rarely makes predictions but he sees me getting pregnant within one year, and naturally (huh?) It is not possible dude! But it is a prediction I want to document here.
He told me to say to myself I love you when I stand in front of the mirror every day.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Argh, I have to return to Prague!
I appreciate all comments and email of support. This Friday the doctor said that I possibly have 3 follies. One big one and two smaller ones. I said I want to stop but he said that it will be foolish. He strongly recommended that we continue. I was not sure about that, but we decided to return for ER on Tues. ER is on Wed at 7 am CET.
I asked my G.A. whether it is going to be a child, G.A said no. The no was very strong. Sometimes I am not able to tell clearly what he says but this NO was very very clear, but then I am still not able to stop with injections and stop with the treatment and call the doctor that I am cancelling the cycle. He srtrongly insisted that we continue and then I asked him if he saw cases like mine succeed and he said yes. There is no way to know whether the other two follies will become good size and will have viable eggs. There is no way to know if the big one has an egg inside.
I am writing this from the airport in Prague, when I return home, I will spend today and tomorrow meditating and asking questions. So far, I sort of felt that one folly will have an egg that will make it past retrieval but I cannot see that there will be an embryo out of it. I really want this to be over quickly if it was not meant to be. I am prolonging my suffering by not being able to move on. I hope to get an answer next week. If this embie is not meant to be my baby, I would rather there would not be an embie and I can focus on pursuing my career now. I am praying that I know soon. In any case I will know what the quality of my eggs are which is a good thing and I will be able to put the baby thing to rest, one way or the other.
I asked my G.A. whether it is going to be a child, G.A said no. The no was very strong. Sometimes I am not able to tell clearly what he says but this NO was very very clear, but then I am still not able to stop with injections and stop with the treatment and call the doctor that I am cancelling the cycle. He srtrongly insisted that we continue and then I asked him if he saw cases like mine succeed and he said yes. There is no way to know whether the other two follies will become good size and will have viable eggs. There is no way to know if the big one has an egg inside.
I am writing this from the airport in Prague, when I return home, I will spend today and tomorrow meditating and asking questions. So far, I sort of felt that one folly will have an egg that will make it past retrieval but I cannot see that there will be an embryo out of it. I really want this to be over quickly if it was not meant to be. I am prolonging my suffering by not being able to move on. I hope to get an answer next week. If this embie is not meant to be my baby, I would rather there would not be an embie and I can focus on pursuing my career now. I am praying that I know soon. In any case I will know what the quality of my eggs are which is a good thing and I will be able to put the baby thing to rest, one way or the other.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
kaput to my baby dreams
It's over for my little pre-babies. On Wednesday the doctor only saw one follicle, maybe two. I see no reason to continue to egg retrieval even though I am still on medications and will come for another appointment on Friday at 10:40. I also have some thoughts that I managed to write down the evening of when the news came. I will post them here in a couple of days. I had a small thought about suicide as my dream of three years just went belly up.
And this is how it is - no genetic baby for me. I am starting the process with DE and hope to have it for July. I am very depressed yet relieved that I know the truth and no longer need to invest into something - both emotionally and financially - that was not to be.
And this is how it is - no genetic baby for me. I am starting the process with DE and hope to have it for July. I am very depressed yet relieved that I know the truth and no longer need to invest into something - both emotionally and financially - that was not to be.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Hello from Prague
I am in Prague, waiting for my appointment. I am anxious, or so... very anxious.
On my way to the apartment I rented and then straight to the clinic. I am praying things go well today.
On my way to the apartment I rented and then straight to the clinic. I am praying things go well today.
Monday, May 7, 2007
it is prague again tomorrow!
It is Prague again for me tomorrow. I am excited to hear if my pre-babies grew. I want to know when my ER is.
interesting things I saw today when healing my friend M. She also healed me and helped me so much! I really feel so many people are rooting for me in my adventure.
interesting things I saw today when healing my friend M. She also healed me and helped me so much! I really feel so many people are rooting for me in my adventure.
I like injections
It is accupuncture session number two for me again in 40 min. I am looking forward to it.
Amazing how much I actually like injecting myself with these hormones. I cannot believe that some women are afraid of injections or hate the treatments.For me, it is something very personal, I am nurturing my babies (or future babies), I am watering them, taking care of them. I actually call it "feeding my babies" because these Gonal-F injections make my eggs grow. It is almost like a rare and beautiful but fragile plant - it needs nourishment to thrive and grow. It makes me happy knowing that I am able nourish them and contribute to their growth by doing such an easy and simple thing like an injection. I would do more drastic things to make them grow and thrive if it could help. But... injecting myself and taking care of myself emotionally and physically is all I can do.
Every day I am looking forward to injections at 9:30 pm. Amazingly, I cannot wait to inject myself because this is how I take care of my babies. With these injections I also send a lot of love their way. In the mornings I send energy to them through self-healing. Amazingly, I see that two eggs are violet and filled with good energy, and the other two are gold and are not so good. Let us see how many eggs will be good quality. Grow babies, grow. I really need to have this egg retrieval this week.
Amazing how much I actually like injecting myself with these hormones. I cannot believe that some women are afraid of injections or hate the treatments.For me, it is something very personal, I am nurturing my babies (or future babies), I am watering them, taking care of them. I actually call it "feeding my babies" because these Gonal-F injections make my eggs grow. It is almost like a rare and beautiful but fragile plant - it needs nourishment to thrive and grow. It makes me happy knowing that I am able nourish them and contribute to their growth by doing such an easy and simple thing like an injection. I would do more drastic things to make them grow and thrive if it could help. But... injecting myself and taking care of myself emotionally and physically is all I can do.
Every day I am looking forward to injections at 9:30 pm. Amazingly, I cannot wait to inject myself because this is how I take care of my babies. With these injections I also send a lot of love their way. In the mornings I send energy to them through self-healing. Amazingly, I see that two eggs are violet and filled with good energy, and the other two are gold and are not so good. Let us see how many eggs will be good quality. Grow babies, grow. I really need to have this egg retrieval this week.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
H
I am so happy that I am with a person who believes me when I tell him about things like these and does not think I am a raving lunatic. He definitely understands me. I feel absolutely safe telling him about this.
I do not share these thoughts and feelings with other people who are not part of my healer/clarvoyant circle. How can I? They would want to lock me up. Come on, I am dealing with scientists and marketing guys, for Christ's sake!
H is not perfect and our relationship is not perfect. I am not sure we are perfect fit and now sure how long we would be together. He has been refusing to marry me even though we have been together for almost 7 years now.
We had a huge argument while in Prague, I got so pissed that I wanted to walk out. But during moments like these, when I have these private things that I cannot share with anyone else, I am so glad that I can share them with him and he would understand.
I do not share these thoughts and feelings with other people who are not part of my healer/clarvoyant circle. How can I? They would want to lock me up. Come on, I am dealing with scientists and marketing guys, for Christ's sake!
H is not perfect and our relationship is not perfect. I am not sure we are perfect fit and now sure how long we would be together. He has been refusing to marry me even though we have been together for almost 7 years now.
We had a huge argument while in Prague, I got so pissed that I wanted to walk out. But during moments like these, when I have these private things that I cannot share with anyone else, I am so glad that I can share them with him and he would understand.
Drawings of children from Terezin
The upper floor of Pinkas synagogue has an exhibit of drawings of children from Terezin concentration camp. As I was looking at some of the paintings, I started having visions. Then as I asked three times, "Did you come from the light?" - you are supposed to ask that to make sure the messages and visions are coming from a good source. The answer was yes. Then I had a vision of me catching a little girl - about 6 or 7 yo in my arms. She fell from the fence and I was there to catch her. Somehow I had a feeling of sadness when I caught her. She was wearing a black dress with a white collar- 30's or 40's style. I could not see her face clearly, but I could see her shoulder length wavy hair. When I caught her, I knew it was was me, but I had a different body, does it make sense? After I saw this vision, I turned to another exhibit. I saw pictures of children who made these drawings. I saw this girl on one of the photos. I was shocked! Maybe it was my daughter in another life?
After I started believing in reincarnation, I have always believed that in my previous life I was also a Jew who perished in one of the concentration camps. Somehow it is so painful for me to watch the documentaries about these camps. I have visited two camps - Teresin and Mauthausen. I have always felt like I have been to a concentration camp myself. I told H about this. He said to me that it makes sense. When he was having visions, he saw a vision of a concentration camp, baracks and crematorium, and felt a great deal of suffering. I asked him if he saw me or recognized anyone in that vision. He did not see me. But still this made sense to him and it definitely makes sense to me.
After I started believing in reincarnation, I have always believed that in my previous life I was also a Jew who perished in one of the concentration camps. Somehow it is so painful for me to watch the documentaries about these camps. I have visited two camps - Teresin and Mauthausen. I have always felt like I have been to a concentration camp myself. I told H about this. He said to me that it makes sense. When he was having visions, he saw a vision of a concentration camp, baracks and crematorium, and felt a great deal of suffering. I asked him if he saw me or recognized anyone in that vision. He did not see me. But still this made sense to him and it definitely makes sense to me.
What happened when I visited Pinkas synagogue
The second time when I was in Prague with my mom, we visited the former Jewish ghetto and Jewish cemetery. One of the synagogues, Pinkas synagogue is a memorial as Hitler planned to leave it as a memorial of an exterminated race. The synagogue has names of jews from Czech republic - Prague, Bohemia, Moravia who were exterminated in the camps. I had a very strange feeling when I was there, I cannot really explain it, a feeling like my soul was mourning these people perhaps. A feeling that a piece of me died with all these people and now the rest of me who is left is mourning the loss. This is perhaps how I can describe it. I cannot really explain it. I remembered this visit as it left a huge impression on me.
This time I had a feeling I had to go to this synagogue again. I believe that a reason 'that souls who are wondering around and want to be born, somehow are reincarnated in a new child. If there is no soul, no reincarnation, there is no birth. I had a feeling that I need to go to the synagogue to ask G-d to end my suffering and send me a baby. While I was there, I made a prayer, and heard an answer. I am not sure I understood what I got but I had a feeling that the answer was positive. I will get something (I think). Then as I was reading the names on the walls, the feeling of mourning took over me. I sensed that there were souls in that museum whom I could sense. I asked them to become my child. I hope someone is interested but I had a feeling that a few were interested. Then, as I walked out to the old Jewish cemetery, I definitely sensed a heavy presence.
I cannot see them, like H can see ghosts for example, but I can clearly sense them. H's dad's death and what happened thereafter - him haunting us in our home, our little Poltergeist, really taught me what I sense even if I cannot see or cannot hear. All these creatures/souls are around us but operate at a frequency that we cannot detect.
Back to the cemetery, I felt a very dense presence, so again I wanted to interest them in becoming my baby, in helping me have my child, I suffer so much without that child, my heart and soul and my body are all longing for it. I also believe I was able to interest some. I hope all these Jewish souls will help a suffering Jewish woman... I talked to H about this, of course, he believes me but he is afraid of the souls and ghosts. I am not afraid at this point. I thought that if I actually saw them, I would not be scared. Let's see what happens with the treatments now.
This time I had a feeling I had to go to this synagogue again. I believe that a reason 'that souls who are wondering around and want to be born, somehow are reincarnated in a new child. If there is no soul, no reincarnation, there is no birth. I had a feeling that I need to go to the synagogue to ask G-d to end my suffering and send me a baby. While I was there, I made a prayer, and heard an answer. I am not sure I understood what I got but I had a feeling that the answer was positive. I will get something (I think). Then as I was reading the names on the walls, the feeling of mourning took over me. I sensed that there were souls in that museum whom I could sense. I asked them to become my child. I hope someone is interested but I had a feeling that a few were interested. Then, as I walked out to the old Jewish cemetery, I definitely sensed a heavy presence.
I cannot see them, like H can see ghosts for example, but I can clearly sense them. H's dad's death and what happened thereafter - him haunting us in our home, our little Poltergeist, really taught me what I sense even if I cannot see or cannot hear. All these creatures/souls are around us but operate at a frequency that we cannot detect.
Back to the cemetery, I felt a very dense presence, so again I wanted to interest them in becoming my baby, in helping me have my child, I suffer so much without that child, my heart and soul and my body are all longing for it. I also believe I was able to interest some. I hope all these Jewish souls will help a suffering Jewish woman... I talked to H about this, of course, he believes me but he is afraid of the souls and ghosts. I am not afraid at this point. I thought that if I actually saw them, I would not be scared. Let's see what happens with the treatments now.
Back from Prague
Last evening we arrived from Prague. Before we went to see the doctor, I was stressed but had a good feeling. H was supposed to do a sperm test and deliver into a very thin vial. I do not know how he managed but he spilled a lot of his stuff on the floor but managed to catch some. The sperm count was 16 million/ml which was a little below normal (normal is 20 mil/ml) but to me he is my hero. Considering his previous analyses (0 sperm, 7 sperms, 100,000 sperms) this one is super. I was very proud of him.
The doctor also found that I have four follicles. Not many, the chances are low with his number but I will continue to egg retrieval. The doctor said that egg retrieval is most likely going to be on Friday or Sat. I should be back on Wednesday for a checkup. So flying out to Prague again on Tuesday evening. I keep wondering if there would be any embryo but I had a feeling that I will have one that they would be able to put in. (I hope my feeling is right). I also somehow knew that I would have 4 follicles. Actually I made 3 on my good right ovary and 1 on my bad non-functioning ovary. Let us see.
The doctor also found that I have four follicles. Not many, the chances are low with his number but I will continue to egg retrieval. The doctor said that egg retrieval is most likely going to be on Friday or Sat. I should be back on Wednesday for a checkup. So flying out to Prague again on Tuesday evening. I keep wondering if there would be any embryo but I had a feeling that I will have one that they would be able to put in. (I hope my feeling is right). I also somehow knew that I would have 4 follicles. Actually I made 3 on my good right ovary and 1 on my bad non-functioning ovary. Let us see.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
accupuncture was what I needed
I went to an accupunctuarist today..She was a nice Chinese lady who looked very familiar for whatever reason? Maybe she reminded me of my psychpharm professor, M.G. It was so strange. I was scared of the needles but it practically did not hurt. Instead it was the first time I felt myself in my body instead of feeling myself in my head. My body felt heavy and grounded. I felt that the universe was sending me a lot of love and comfort. I felt centered and actually I felt that accupuncture will help me. After I left, I literally felt my ovaries being activated.
Normally I am not in touch with the inside of my stomach but today I was - it's good. Well, round 2 of accupuncture is on Monday, but tomorrow Prague is awaiting me. Prague, here I come!!! We are going to go to the Jewish quarter (or former Jewish quarter) and visit a synagogue - I need to make a wish. I made wishes in catholic cathedrals wishing for a baby but my prayers have not been answered. I hope that Jewish God is more compassionate to my suffering. But we shall see. If it was meant for me to get a baby, please G-d grant it to me. If it was not meant for me to have my own genetic child, then I trust that you know what you are doing. We shall see.
Normally I am not in touch with the inside of my stomach but today I was - it's good. Well, round 2 of accupuncture is on Monday, but tomorrow Prague is awaiting me. Prague, here I come!!! We are going to go to the Jewish quarter (or former Jewish quarter) and visit a synagogue - I need to make a wish. I made wishes in catholic cathedrals wishing for a baby but my prayers have not been answered. I hope that Jewish God is more compassionate to my suffering. But we shall see. If it was meant for me to get a baby, please G-d grant it to me. If it was not meant for me to have my own genetic child, then I trust that you know what you are doing. We shall see.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
AF or no AF?
I am still not sure if today is the first day of AF. I have had brown spotting for since Sunday. The doctor said that if you see red blood, then it is day 1 of your cycle. There is no red blood practically on a pad, but when I strain a lot of bright red blood comes out. So I think it qualifies as day 1.
Leaving for Prague in 2 days
My AF arrived (or did it?) so we are flying to Prague on Thursday. Tomorrow I start downregulation and on Thursday will begin the stims. My appointment with the doctor is on Saturday at 10:00. We will see if this body of mine has responded.
I got this book from Amazon.com on stress management. It strongly recommends identifying several potential solutions to a problem, then asking yourself during meditation about every solution and paying attention to any signals from the body. If the body tenses up, it may not be a good solution. I will try that. I cannot do it with things like infertility but definitely will do it regarding things like my job or with regard to my future job search.
I also want to practice self-love. No, I am not talking about masturbation here. I am talking about unconditional love towards myself.. How do I cultivate it? HOw do I feel it? How do I honor myself? Tom said to imagine a puppy coming into the room. Would you not feel love and adoration towards the puppy? Then try to direct this adoration toward yourself. Easier said than done. I am not sure how to do that. I want to, but how??
I got this book from Amazon.com on stress management. It strongly recommends identifying several potential solutions to a problem, then asking yourself during meditation about every solution and paying attention to any signals from the body. If the body tenses up, it may not be a good solution. I will try that. I cannot do it with things like infertility but definitely will do it regarding things like my job or with regard to my future job search.
I also want to practice self-love. No, I am not talking about masturbation here. I am talking about unconditional love towards myself.. How do I cultivate it? HOw do I feel it? How do I honor myself? Tom said to imagine a puppy coming into the room. Would you not feel love and adoration towards the puppy? Then try to direct this adoration toward yourself. Easier said than done. I am not sure how to do that. I want to, but how??
Monday, April 30, 2007
Decisions, decisions
As of this weekend, I decided that I have to go to Prague in May regardless of how my body feels. I feel a little guilty making myself to go through this now.
I have visions of my body with tears of blood when I think about this cycle that I am pushing myself to start in May. An indication that I probably should not do this now, huh? But I also think that perhaps I have resistance because I am resisting knowing the truth - will my body respond to the meds this time or not? Imagine, I could in principle know in 2 weeks whether or not I made any eggs like a good chicken.
If I did not make any eggs, the journey with my own eggs would be over and it would mean no genetic child for me. I will have to open myself for enormous pain, feel it consuming me, feel its immensity, feel it in my heart, in my whole body, mourn that lost child. My genetic baby, created by my genes with my pure Jewish blood not mixed with any other blood for the past 200 years. Our "Mutant" baby, not to be...
My Jewish ancestors, the geniuses in my family with all sorts of talents, the people I love so dearly even though most of them are already gone whom I will never ever forget -grandma Schprintza, my dedun Avram, papashka, mamashka, baba Masha - lost forever in my genetic child I will not have. All that Eastern European Yiddishkite culture gone forever, with me being the last one to appreciate it, to know about it, to feel the nostalgia and sadness when hearing Yiddish, the last one in my family with a Jewish soul...
I am convinced that a part of me will always miss seeing my loved ones when looking at my DE baby face (if I am so lucky to have a child through egg donation). I am getting very sad again and I am typing this at work. The tears are starting to pour, I hope noone decides to walk into my office now.
If my own IVF does not work, perhaps I should have a ritual of burial of (lost hopes). I hope it could help me move on.
I am a bit conflicted about the vision of my body crying. I am also waiting for my Aunt Flow to arrive. I have been spotting for 2 days but still no blood. If it is not bright red, my doctor does not consider it to be a day 1 of the cycle. So I have to wait a day more (i hope no more than one day). I have to buy tickets to fly to Prague so the more notice I have, the better.
I asked Tom yesterday which road I should take (DE vs my own eggs). He told me that I need to be honest with myself and listen to myself and this would be the right road. Since I have always sensed that my eggs are no good, it doesn't matter if I travel to Prague in May or in June. I just need to know the answer and I am making myself find out NOW.
I have visions of my body with tears of blood when I think about this cycle that I am pushing myself to start in May. An indication that I probably should not do this now, huh? But I also think that perhaps I have resistance because I am resisting knowing the truth - will my body respond to the meds this time or not? Imagine, I could in principle know in 2 weeks whether or not I made any eggs like a good chicken.
If I did not make any eggs, the journey with my own eggs would be over and it would mean no genetic child for me. I will have to open myself for enormous pain, feel it consuming me, feel its immensity, feel it in my heart, in my whole body, mourn that lost child. My genetic baby, created by my genes with my pure Jewish blood not mixed with any other blood for the past 200 years. Our "Mutant" baby, not to be...
My Jewish ancestors, the geniuses in my family with all sorts of talents, the people I love so dearly even though most of them are already gone whom I will never ever forget -grandma Schprintza, my dedun Avram, papashka, mamashka, baba Masha - lost forever in my genetic child I will not have. All that Eastern European Yiddishkite culture gone forever, with me being the last one to appreciate it, to know about it, to feel the nostalgia and sadness when hearing Yiddish, the last one in my family with a Jewish soul...
I am convinced that a part of me will always miss seeing my loved ones when looking at my DE baby face (if I am so lucky to have a child through egg donation). I am getting very sad again and I am typing this at work. The tears are starting to pour, I hope noone decides to walk into my office now.
If my own IVF does not work, perhaps I should have a ritual of burial of (lost hopes). I hope it could help me move on.
I am a bit conflicted about the vision of my body crying. I am also waiting for my Aunt Flow to arrive. I have been spotting for 2 days but still no blood. If it is not bright red, my doctor does not consider it to be a day 1 of the cycle. So I have to wait a day more (i hope no more than one day). I have to buy tickets to fly to Prague so the more notice I have, the better.
I asked Tom yesterday which road I should take (DE vs my own eggs). He told me that I need to be honest with myself and listen to myself and this would be the right road. Since I have always sensed that my eggs are no good, it doesn't matter if I travel to Prague in May or in June. I just need to know the answer and I am making myself find out NOW.
my clarvoyant visions
This weekend I spent in my healer and clarvoyant class. The focus was to develop our clarvoyant abilities. Yesterday I practiced on H when he returned from visiting his family. He asked me if I see something about his job. He asked if it would take him a long time to find a new job. The answer I got was yes. Then I focused some more and felt an incredible tension in the back of my head. I told him that I feel the spænding in the back of his head. He said that he doesn't recognize that.
Then he wanted to know who his guardian angel (G.A.) is. I saw that it is a woman, with brown/reddish curly hair. That's all I could see about her. I gave the message to him. He asked if she is the only angel, and I said that I had a feeling there were more GA's guarding him but she is the one I could see. Then he asked me who she was. I focused on her and could feel that she died a horrifying death. Oh my God, how horrible it was for me to felt her horror!!! I was very frightened myself because I could feel how terryfying this was at a very instinctive, animal level. It was so horrible for me that I absolutely had to close down.
This morning I asked some questions about his job again. I asked how long it would take him to find a new job and got an answer of 6. Then asked the same question again and got an answer of 12. Then I asked the same question again and saw a different vision. I saw a long long road ahead of (him). This road was so long that it merged with the horizon. You could not see where it ends. So I sort of figured that it will take a long time for him to find a new job and it will be a long road for him emotionally and mentally.
Then I saw a vision about my own life. I saw myself standing on the top of the mountain, looking ahead. I saw the most beautiful valley lying underneath representing my life journey. What I saw lying ahead was so absolutely beautiful! It looked so fantastic that I could see my happiness bubbling inside me asking to be let out. I wanted to laugh with happiness, I had a feeling "Life is GRAND!" I have not had such feeling in a long time. It was absolutely fantastic!!! Then I looked behind. The view was nasty with a dusty landscape. It looked disgusting somehow. I had a sense of devastation and hardship. I also felt that the point of me standing and looking ahead/behind is in the future and now it is my time to experience devastation and hardship. I also feel that the hardship either has just started or will start soon. I asked how long it will last and had a sense that it will take 2 years for me to reach the end of hardship and feel this happiness. It would be interesting to read this entry in 2 years.
Then last evening I grabbed H's hand. I had a sense that our relationship is entering a very turbulent period. I am not sure we will survive as a couple at the end of the turbulence, although I cannot say that we will not survive. I hope for the best, whatever it is meant to be for us.
Then he wanted to know who his guardian angel (G.A.) is. I saw that it is a woman, with brown/reddish curly hair. That's all I could see about her. I gave the message to him. He asked if she is the only angel, and I said that I had a feeling there were more GA's guarding him but she is the one I could see. Then he asked me who she was. I focused on her and could feel that she died a horrifying death. Oh my God, how horrible it was for me to felt her horror!!! I was very frightened myself because I could feel how terryfying this was at a very instinctive, animal level. It was so horrible for me that I absolutely had to close down.
This morning I asked some questions about his job again. I asked how long it would take him to find a new job and got an answer of 6. Then asked the same question again and got an answer of 12. Then I asked the same question again and saw a different vision. I saw a long long road ahead of (him). This road was so long that it merged with the horizon. You could not see where it ends. So I sort of figured that it will take a long time for him to find a new job and it will be a long road for him emotionally and mentally.
Then I saw a vision about my own life. I saw myself standing on the top of the mountain, looking ahead. I saw the most beautiful valley lying underneath representing my life journey. What I saw lying ahead was so absolutely beautiful! It looked so fantastic that I could see my happiness bubbling inside me asking to be let out. I wanted to laugh with happiness, I had a feeling "Life is GRAND!" I have not had such feeling in a long time. It was absolutely fantastic!!! Then I looked behind. The view was nasty with a dusty landscape. It looked disgusting somehow. I had a sense of devastation and hardship. I also felt that the point of me standing and looking ahead/behind is in the future and now it is my time to experience devastation and hardship. I also feel that the hardship either has just started or will start soon. I asked how long it will last and had a sense that it will take 2 years for me to reach the end of hardship and feel this happiness. It would be interesting to read this entry in 2 years.
Then last evening I grabbed H's hand. I had a sense that our relationship is entering a very turbulent period. I am not sure we will survive as a couple at the end of the turbulence, although I cannot say that we will not survive. I hope for the best, whatever it is meant to be for us.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Missing my baby
With H being gone for 2 days and one night, I cannot helpbut feel how much I miss him and how much love I have for him. The love I feel for him is so deep, it is as if it spills out from my heart into my whole body. It fills up my whole body. There is so much love, it hurts. My heart is crying for him - I am starting to feel the tears filling my eyes because my heart is longing for him.
Why can't I see this or feel the love or appreciate him when he is home. When he is at home, even though I love him, many times I feel I want to get away. Sometimes I hate him, i am angry with him. Why can't I appreciate him when he is here with me? How can I start living in a minute and enjoy him when we are together instead of being angry or upset about very stupid things. How can I start enjoying him again?
I did not know I could love someone this much. The prospect of him living overseas and being in a long distance relationship with him again, is really something that makes me very sad. I know how huge our phone bills will be and how much I will long to see him on the weekends.
Why can't I see this or feel the love or appreciate him when he is home. When he is at home, even though I love him, many times I feel I want to get away. Sometimes I hate him, i am angry with him. Why can't I appreciate him when he is here with me? How can I start living in a minute and enjoy him when we are together instead of being angry or upset about very stupid things. How can I start enjoying him again?
I did not know I could love someone this much. The prospect of him living overseas and being in a long distance relationship with him again, is really something that makes me very sad. I know how huge our phone bills will be and how much I will long to see him on the weekends.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
ok, a decision was made!
Over the past several days I was very very conflicted with starting IVF with own eggs. What a drama! All because I have the DE thing already set up.
I do not feel like doing a treatment with own eggs yet cannot do the DE without trying with my own. And I did not feel like starting the injections next week. I was in such turmoil. Should I skip tx with own eggs and do the DE eggs? Should I get treated now with own eggs? My body and gut tell me not to do it. I was really suffering, went to my counselor, hoping she could help decide. She did. However, after I left her, I felt even worse. I asked H about what he thinks. He is a very logical guy and he said you need to have a closure before moving on. But then what does it mean? My DE is scheduled for July! He said that I should probably postpone my own IVF until I am sure I want to do it. Sounds so simple, right? But I could not decide to do it, I was so miserable. I also want to do a good effort with own IVF instead of wishing it was over ASAP with a negative result because the DE thing is already scheduled.
This morning I decided. I am going to postopone the IVF with own eggs. To make a difference, I am going to start accupuncture. Then I want to change my cycle to a long protocol which would mean I need to start nasal spray in about 3 weeks. So here we go. I cancelled the DE in July. I told them I will let them know when I am ready. I feel so proud of myself that I listened to my gut and my body and did the right thing!! Now instead of hating these treatments I am looking forward to them once again. Makes such a difference!
I do not feel like doing a treatment with own eggs yet cannot do the DE without trying with my own. And I did not feel like starting the injections next week. I was in such turmoil. Should I skip tx with own eggs and do the DE eggs? Should I get treated now with own eggs? My body and gut tell me not to do it. I was really suffering, went to my counselor, hoping she could help decide. She did. However, after I left her, I felt even worse. I asked H about what he thinks. He is a very logical guy and he said you need to have a closure before moving on. But then what does it mean? My DE is scheduled for July! He said that I should probably postpone my own IVF until I am sure I want to do it. Sounds so simple, right? But I could not decide to do it, I was so miserable. I also want to do a good effort with own IVF instead of wishing it was over ASAP with a negative result because the DE thing is already scheduled.
This morning I decided. I am going to postopone the IVF with own eggs. To make a difference, I am going to start accupuncture. Then I want to change my cycle to a long protocol which would mean I need to start nasal spray in about 3 weeks. So here we go. I cancelled the DE in July. I told them I will let them know when I am ready. I feel so proud of myself that I listened to my gut and my body and did the right thing!! Now instead of hating these treatments I am looking forward to them once again. Makes such a difference!
Monday, April 23, 2007
How could I make my baby come to me?
Regarding the question I posted earlier to myself, how could I make this vision of the baby become reality, I had another talk with the G.A. I asked him what should I do to attract this little soul, the answer was "Love". Love whom? The answers was "Love yourself". Then I asked how, what should I do, how should I love myself? The answer was "Just be".
My interpretation was that I need to enjoy my life, stop disparing, take care of my health and what I eat or drink (I am not so good of this, I must add). I want to detach myself emotionally from the outcome of having a child (as if it is so easy!). The first step is I stopped drinking Coca Cola Light. I listen to my intuition about what food is good for me and what is not. I have been getting impulses that Coca Cola was poisonous for me. I just feel that it contains a lot of bad stuff. I also feel that the coffee at work is bad for me, so I only drink one cup a day of it. I would like to cut down on coffee significantly. What else I should do? I should ask for more guidance.
My interpretation was that I need to enjoy my life, stop disparing, take care of my health and what I eat or drink (I am not so good of this, I must add). I want to detach myself emotionally from the outcome of having a child (as if it is so easy!). The first step is I stopped drinking Coca Cola Light. I listen to my intuition about what food is good for me and what is not. I have been getting impulses that Coca Cola was poisonous for me. I just feel that it contains a lot of bad stuff. I also feel that the coffee at work is bad for me, so I only drink one cup a day of it. I would like to cut down on coffee significantly. What else I should do? I should ask for more guidance.
More Questions and Answers
I had a very interesting meditation session today where I contacted my G.A. (gardian angel) with some questions. I was amazed that before I could only get yes and no answers. Now I am able to get answers as short sentences.
Oh, before I forget, on a separate note, H thought that we should get married.
While meditating I asked my G.A the following: outcome of the IVF treatment in May with own eggs. The answer I heard was "Don't do it".
Then I asked about the DE treatment outcome and the answer I got was positive. I asked how would this baby be and how would I feel about this baby being from DEs. The answer I receive was " you will be happy".
Then I asked if H and I should get married. We of course have a lot of problems in our relationship, with infertility having an impact. I adore the guy and he adores me but it is just so difficult for us to live together! Our living habits are not compatible. The answer I got back regarding getting married was "Dont do it".
Then I asked about my job. How it is going to be. I do not like my job. It stopped being creative. I' m no longer inspired or motivated. I am not able to achieve what I want, what I have been pushing for for almost 3 years. I am no longer driven. I am indifferent. The answer I received about the job was "Run". I interpreted it that I need to run away as soon as possible. Then I asked if I will be fired. I believe the answer was no although I am not sure. I need to ask again about this.
Now, I can see if these predictions are going to be correct. I am very curious about this. GA's previous predictions about my inf treatments were correct.
Oh, before I forget, on a separate note, H thought that we should get married.
While meditating I asked my G.A the following: outcome of the IVF treatment in May with own eggs. The answer I heard was "Don't do it".
Then I asked about the DE treatment outcome and the answer I got was positive. I asked how would this baby be and how would I feel about this baby being from DEs. The answer I receive was " you will be happy".
Then I asked if H and I should get married. We of course have a lot of problems in our relationship, with infertility having an impact. I adore the guy and he adores me but it is just so difficult for us to live together! Our living habits are not compatible. The answer I got back regarding getting married was "Dont do it".
Then I asked about my job. How it is going to be. I do not like my job. It stopped being creative. I' m no longer inspired or motivated. I am not able to achieve what I want, what I have been pushing for for almost 3 years. I am no longer driven. I am indifferent. The answer I received about the job was "Run". I interpreted it that I need to run away as soon as possible. Then I asked if I will be fired. I believe the answer was no although I am not sure. I need to ask again about this.
Now, I can see if these predictions are going to be correct. I am very curious about this. GA's previous predictions about my inf treatments were correct.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Old Diary Entry from 21 -26 December 2006
These will be entries from the diary I started when I started talking to my Guardian Angel or my higher self. I have always wanted to post them here, and here they are. They document my slow transformation into a more enlightened, more intuitive being.
These "conversations" with the angel started after we found out that H had no viable sperm in his sample in June 2006 and in his sample from August 2006 he only had 7 sperms usable for ICSI. I was completely in dispair and was on a verge of leaving him because he would not agree to donor sperm. I was devastated and knew that any "normal" help would not be of any help. The only thing I felt would help me would be some kind of divine guidance or protection from divine powers or the universe. I wanted to get in touch with my guardian angel(s) to get guidance about what to do. At that time I had no idea that my ovaries would not respond to medication and did not grow any eggs. I found out 3 weeks later.
I went to this healer, Jakob, who taught me how to get in contact with the angel. I also bought a great book that has a few tips on how to do it. Since then I have been using this as part of my daily meditation and to get guidance from the angel frequently. He (the angel) is a tall, very thin man. I could not see him when I started meditating. I could only sense his presence, feel the cold wind touching me, but today I can see him in my mind's eye. He is very very kind and I believe that he is doing his very best helping me. When I was undergoing my inf treatments, the ones that did not work, I could feel that there was souls seeking me out and he brought a woman to introduce to me. My belief was that this woman's soul was eager to become my child. He brought her, but I did hot like her. And... nothing happened. But I digressed a little...
21 December 2006
I meditated for 18-19 minutes- tried to enter "the room" where I could connect with my angel but I could not. the door was a little open, the was bright light coming out of it through the opening between the door and the wall, but as I approached the door, it closed right in front of me and I could not open it.
That day I asked if I should go to NY to Cornell Reproductive Center to be treated for infertility. A colleague told me that they create miracles there and have 60 %-70 % efficacy rates from one cycle. I asked if I should go to NY to be treated. Then I got an email -junk email with a title No. I took it as a sign that I should not go to NY to be treated. Then I got another junk email with Yes in the title.
Then I saw a child on the street with Down's syndrome. ???
I also asked the angel if the most recent H's sperm test would be usable and also what would happen with my own treatment. The answers I got were that his results would be ok but there would be something wrong with me.
----
H's sperm test turned out to be 10 mil, after cleaning 5 mil. And I did not respond to 350 iu of Puregon (a high dose). I had one tiny follie 8 mm after a week of injections.
-----------
December 22 2006
I meditated for 19 minutes. Tired to get into the "room" on the way comforting and healing baby me (who was about 7-8 years old). It was very touching. I sensed my own dispair as a child. The little me was deeply deeply unhappy. It touched me. (Why was I such an unhappy child at that age? Why was I in such pain?) I got into the room, opened the door, walked in, asked questions. It appears that I will have a child but somehow I saw the word adoption????? I am not 100 % convinced. I also have a good feeling about my current inf clinic.
Let's see if the predictions come true regarding my next appointment on 3 Jan (Comment: I was supposed to start my stims -Puregon). I get answer yes regarding starting treatment but somhow it feels heavy. Something is wrong. I also planned to travel home to the states in March but did not want to plan anything because if the treatment in January did not work, I would have another cycle in March. Somehow I got this sense that it is ok for me to schedule my trip to go home in March - but why? (Comment: we were planning to have another cycle in March but the stupid doctor ended up cancelling it).
Another comment: When I picked up Puregon at the pharmacy, when I saw the box, my heart sunk, I had a bad feeling. It was so bad that I almost called the doctor to ask him to change my medication, but I did not. This doctor is the best in this little shitty kingdom.
-------
23-26 December 2006
Meditation was 15-18 min during these days. On the 25th meditation was about 10 min at H's parents home. A few things I noticed:
I am much calmer inside. I was able to talk to his sister without reacting to her. She asked, H told me you are interested in meditation". Instead of her being able to provoke me like in the past, I asked H if he said anything about that. And he said no.
Something else I noticed - I am sure that something will come my way. I am sure that things will work out in the end.
I did not have any particular predictions but I am sure things will be ok. Tomorrow I will meditate 25 minutes and see how I feel.
Today I also had an idea about zonetherapy clinic. I want to look into this and try it to see what I think about it. Next step is to find out how long is education to become a zonetherapist.
These "conversations" with the angel started after we found out that H had no viable sperm in his sample in June 2006 and in his sample from August 2006 he only had 7 sperms usable for ICSI. I was completely in dispair and was on a verge of leaving him because he would not agree to donor sperm. I was devastated and knew that any "normal" help would not be of any help. The only thing I felt would help me would be some kind of divine guidance or protection from divine powers or the universe. I wanted to get in touch with my guardian angel(s) to get guidance about what to do. At that time I had no idea that my ovaries would not respond to medication and did not grow any eggs. I found out 3 weeks later.
I went to this healer, Jakob, who taught me how to get in contact with the angel. I also bought a great book that has a few tips on how to do it. Since then I have been using this as part of my daily meditation and to get guidance from the angel frequently. He (the angel) is a tall, very thin man. I could not see him when I started meditating. I could only sense his presence, feel the cold wind touching me, but today I can see him in my mind's eye. He is very very kind and I believe that he is doing his very best helping me. When I was undergoing my inf treatments, the ones that did not work, I could feel that there was souls seeking me out and he brought a woman to introduce to me. My belief was that this woman's soul was eager to become my child. He brought her, but I did hot like her. And... nothing happened. But I digressed a little...
21 December 2006
I meditated for 18-19 minutes- tried to enter "the room" where I could connect with my angel but I could not. the door was a little open, the was bright light coming out of it through the opening between the door and the wall, but as I approached the door, it closed right in front of me and I could not open it.
That day I asked if I should go to NY to Cornell Reproductive Center to be treated for infertility. A colleague told me that they create miracles there and have 60 %-70 % efficacy rates from one cycle. I asked if I should go to NY to be treated. Then I got an email -junk email with a title No. I took it as a sign that I should not go to NY to be treated. Then I got another junk email with Yes in the title.
Then I saw a child on the street with Down's syndrome. ???
I also asked the angel if the most recent H's sperm test would be usable and also what would happen with my own treatment. The answers I got were that his results would be ok but there would be something wrong with me.
----
H's sperm test turned out to be 10 mil, after cleaning 5 mil. And I did not respond to 350 iu of Puregon (a high dose). I had one tiny follie 8 mm after a week of injections.
-----------
December 22 2006
I meditated for 19 minutes. Tired to get into the "room" on the way comforting and healing baby me (who was about 7-8 years old). It was very touching. I sensed my own dispair as a child. The little me was deeply deeply unhappy. It touched me. (Why was I such an unhappy child at that age? Why was I in such pain?) I got into the room, opened the door, walked in, asked questions. It appears that I will have a child but somehow I saw the word adoption????? I am not 100 % convinced. I also have a good feeling about my current inf clinic.
Let's see if the predictions come true regarding my next appointment on 3 Jan (Comment: I was supposed to start my stims -Puregon). I get answer yes regarding starting treatment but somhow it feels heavy. Something is wrong. I also planned to travel home to the states in March but did not want to plan anything because if the treatment in January did not work, I would have another cycle in March. Somehow I got this sense that it is ok for me to schedule my trip to go home in March - but why? (Comment: we were planning to have another cycle in March but the stupid doctor ended up cancelling it).
Another comment: When I picked up Puregon at the pharmacy, when I saw the box, my heart sunk, I had a bad feeling. It was so bad that I almost called the doctor to ask him to change my medication, but I did not. This doctor is the best in this little shitty kingdom.
-------
23-26 December 2006
Meditation was 15-18 min during these days. On the 25th meditation was about 10 min at H's parents home. A few things I noticed:
I am much calmer inside. I was able to talk to his sister without reacting to her. She asked, H told me you are interested in meditation". Instead of her being able to provoke me like in the past, I asked H if he said anything about that. And he said no.
Something else I noticed - I am sure that something will come my way. I am sure that things will work out in the end.
I did not have any particular predictions but I am sure things will be ok. Tomorrow I will meditate 25 minutes and see how I feel.
Today I also had an idea about zonetherapy clinic. I want to look into this and try it to see what I think about it. Next step is to find out how long is education to become a zonetherapist.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
my adorable son
I saw my son today, in my visions, when M. was healing me today. He appeared in my vision, the most adorable blond child I have ever seen. He looked just like H's childhood pictures and of course nothing like me. Then he laughed... It was the most adorable and contageous laughter I have ever heard. Filled my heart with happiness instantaneously. This was pretty cool. I love these visions. This is the second time I am able to see him in a vision. the first time I saw him (or her??) when the baby was 6 months old, also in a vision. I could not tell if it was a she or a he but sensed that it may be a he. His/her eyes looked exactly like H's. I was holding him/her and we were looking in the window.
I could see the child in my visions so clearly. How could a vision become reality??
I could see the child in my visions so clearly. How could a vision become reality??
Anonymity
I am so grateful to be able to express myself in such forum and doing it completely anonymously! Out of people who know me in person, nobody knows about this blog, except my dear friend T. to whom I just revealed the existence of it. I am very sure of her discreetness. We have a very special bond that became stronger through time, as very dear and very special friends who went though a lot together and as two Virgos.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Healing my friend
On Tuesday, 17 April, the day before the surgery, I met with a friend to heal her - she just had an operation to remove a growth from her head. this was the first time I felt that I was being guided in my healing. I planned to treat her basal chakra because she is planning infertility treatments soon, but could not get there. I could not move my hands from her head -from the wound, her face and neck. I got really stuck on her crown chakra. I felt she needed healing there. Every time I tried to move away from the crown chakra, her crown chakra was calling me back!
It was weird, I felt it was a strong healing but I do not think she experienced it that way.
I thought my hands got hot but she said they were cold. I would like to speak to my teacher - I feel I want to improve. I am not certain I am helping people and I really want to help!
I also got a message for her that she would get pregnant, but I am not sure I am allowed to reveal it to her.
It was weird, I felt it was a strong healing but I do not think she experienced it that way.
I thought my hands got hot but she said they were cold. I would like to speak to my teacher - I feel I want to improve. I am not certain I am helping people and I really want to help!
I also got a message for her that she would get pregnant, but I am not sure I am allowed to reveal it to her.
Polyp Removal - it was pleasant, what a surprize!
Well, it wasn't 100 % pleasant but there was something pleasant about it. Someone from the yahoo support group asked me about polyp removal because it was her first procedure under general anesthesia she was very scared. This is my email to her describing what happened to me.
On another note, the nurse was so attentive - I was in a private hospital! She gave me exactly what I wanted, which was icecream - this was the best icecream I have tasted for years! Amazing!!
" It was a very easy and relatively pleasant experience, I am surprized to say. This was my first time going under the general anesthesia. I was so very scared, you cannot imagine, or maybe you can. :) I met with the surgeon and anesthesiologist to hear what drugs I am going to be given. This is very common here when you meet with both to discuss what will happen. I had questions for the surgeon, I was afraid that he could cut my uterus and I will never be able to have children after that. This was my main fear. He reassured me that it is highly unlikely and also many women have c-section where they cut the uterus and they have children after that. So after that I was not afraid to lose my uterus.
Ok, I arrived to the hospital. First they gave me a drug for anxiety and tylenol. The drug started working in about 30 min. Then they took me to a surgery room, inserted a needle in my left arm (this was a bit unpleasant). Through this needle they started infusion of morphine (it was the next generation of morphine, I can't remember the name, but it is supposedly gives you less nausea afterwards) and propofol (a short acting anesthetic). I went to sleep within 5 min. after the infusion. I slept very well, I really enjoyed it, it was a very refreshing sleep. When I woke up, they told me it was over. I was surprized and unhappy because I wanted to sleep some more. :) The surgery takes about one hour, of which most of the time is spent preparing you and dilating you. After the surgery I had some cramps but they gave me immediately some tylenol and I was fine. The surgery was at 3 and I went home (I could walk and everything else) at 7 pm. I was a little bit hung over but ok overall.
The next day I could have gone to work but decided to stay home although I had no pain whatsoever. Today (the surgery was the day before yesterday) I am perfectly fine. No pain. I do have some bleeding but it is like a light period. Nothing new for me or for you, I am sure. In retrospect I thought it was a pleasant experience (surprizingly!). They took care of me and I finally caught up on my sleep. :) "
Unfortunately I had to miss my lecture -Introduction to Psychotherapy. I feel that psychotherapy is what I am missing to really help heal my patients.
On another note, the nurse was so attentive - I was in a private hospital! She gave me exactly what I wanted, which was icecream - this was the best icecream I have tasted for years! Amazing!!
" It was a very easy and relatively pleasant experience, I am surprized to say. This was my first time going under the general anesthesia. I was so very scared, you cannot imagine, or maybe you can. :) I met with the surgeon and anesthesiologist to hear what drugs I am going to be given. This is very common here when you meet with both to discuss what will happen. I had questions for the surgeon, I was afraid that he could cut my uterus and I will never be able to have children after that. This was my main fear. He reassured me that it is highly unlikely and also many women have c-section where they cut the uterus and they have children after that. So after that I was not afraid to lose my uterus.
Ok, I arrived to the hospital. First they gave me a drug for anxiety and tylenol. The drug started working in about 30 min. Then they took me to a surgery room, inserted a needle in my left arm (this was a bit unpleasant). Through this needle they started infusion of morphine (it was the next generation of morphine, I can't remember the name, but it is supposedly gives you less nausea afterwards) and propofol (a short acting anesthetic). I went to sleep within 5 min. after the infusion. I slept very well, I really enjoyed it, it was a very refreshing sleep. When I woke up, they told me it was over. I was surprized and unhappy because I wanted to sleep some more. :) The surgery takes about one hour, of which most of the time is spent preparing you and dilating you. After the surgery I had some cramps but they gave me immediately some tylenol and I was fine. The surgery was at 3 and I went home (I could walk and everything else) at 7 pm. I was a little bit hung over but ok overall.
The next day I could have gone to work but decided to stay home although I had no pain whatsoever. Today (the surgery was the day before yesterday) I am perfectly fine. No pain. I do have some bleeding but it is like a light period. Nothing new for me or for you, I am sure. In retrospect I thought it was a pleasant experience (surprizingly!). They took care of me and I finally caught up on my sleep. :) "
Unfortunately I had to miss my lecture -Introduction to Psychotherapy. I feel that psychotherapy is what I am missing to really help heal my patients.
Updates
Ok, so much happened and I am guilty of not reporting it. But it's about to change.
We went to Prague to inquire about the IVF cycle with own eggs: I hope to start the cycle in eary May.
on 18 April I had a polyp removal. I also put myself on the list for DE procedure for July, so in May they will start looking for a donor for me. I am so excited but suddenly got cold feet.
We went to Prague to inquire about the IVF cycle with own eggs: I hope to start the cycle in eary May.
on 18 April I had a polyp removal. I also put myself on the list for DE procedure for July, so in May they will start looking for a donor for me. I am so excited but suddenly got cold feet.
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