got these 3 cards today

asked about waht i need to know at the moment.
1 mystique keep charging ahead and dont take no for an answer. Expect miraculous solutions to appear
2. vanessa to make your decision, ask yourself which way brings me closer to my divine purpose? which way takes me away from it?
3, chantall - new romance is imminent - either with a newcomer, or thru reignited passion in your existing relationship. be open to giving and receiving love.

more channeling from T

Got more channeling from T - lost the piece of paper but the point was once my daughter is born, everything else will come at the same time - a man, my husband, and the job,all together. She said i will be surprized how easy and effortlessly it will fall into my lap.

explorations about becoming a mother

1. what really scares me about becoming a mother?
Losing my sexuality, not being/feeling attractive
Losing my body
not being affectionate enough, holding back affection
¨
2. what could be my biggest strength as a mother?
being intuitive to know what she wants
strict
disciplined

what could be my biggest challenge?
being messy
being too strict with her
forgetting that she needs to have fun and not spend all her time studying.

what do i love about my life now that i dont want to give up after she is born?
being myself, following my passions and interests - ie tango
being able to date men, having sex, having fun

what in my life could i giveup? what do I want to change?
Spend less time on internet, facebook, emails, etc.
spend less time being involved in other ppl's lives
want to be more organized

what ppl do i want to include during the first year?
H's mom, my mom, my divine partner, his family
Do? H? Maria.

what parts of my parents¨ parenting style i d like to keep
Instill ambitions, discipline, having meaningful conversations

what am i afraid to pass upon the child from my own childhood?
Negativity, being limited, feeling unloved, notvalued, not important, feeling alone, isolated, being discriminated against, losing my temper

how do i expect my relationships to change after she is born?
With mom- better undestanding of her point of view, more appreciation of her
with friends - losing some of them as i simply wont have the time nor do i do want to solve other ppl's problems anymore. so i need to find a new way to relate to ppl
i expect that i will have stronger boundaries

what has changed just by being pregnant?
more emotional, do not hold on to my anger, i express it more freely.
already let go or letting go of some ppl.
became more intuitive
have connected to a very strong feeling of love, like nothing i experienced before.

manifesting divine partner

Post has been removed. Am adding more details, do not want to have different lists.

chanelling I got - around feb or march 2011

Got this channelling from T. You did big work with yourself. Came a long way. Look at yourself now vs. 2 yrs ago. A lot of development happened on the very deep level. I was thru difficult times - it gave me strength and inner peace.

You can get worried but come much faster to your core. We are very satisfied with this. Be proud of yourself.

There are angels around you that help you and spread love. Expect the best for yourself and your little baby.Let yourself feel the happiness due to the child you have wainted for a long time. Now you are ready. ready on all fronts. You will develop yourself even more with the child - you will get so much joy.

The most important thing is inner peace. Peace in your mind. Feel enjoyment. Take in life. Surrender to the situation.
Try to be in joy. the practical things will resolve themselves. Ordner til dit barns bedste. THings will resolve themselves in the besst way. Your energy should be joy, abundance and warm feelings. In in the joy you are in right now.

asked about my personal life and got these 3 cards

1. AA michael - i am with you giving you the courage to make life changes that will help you work on your divine life purpose. I take it that it happened in the past
2. Raye - yoga and exercise are essential to your well being, peace of mind and spiritual growth right now. This is about the present. I totally buy it. this is the answer to the question whether i should exercise or not, feeling very tired
3. Celeste - A happy move to a new home or place of employment is in the works. This movement will usher in positive new energy. Let's see. Fingers crossed.

A few days ago asked about my employment situation and got the answer The angel of marriage is helping you right now

meeting with Lou today

a few things - he is not a bad person, just making mistakes. about how the relationshp prepared her for her hubby. how and why she tolerated being treated less than what she deserved.
babies
her labor experience
Will update later, just do not want to forget what we have discussed

more tango

someone up there really wants me to dance tango. Found a partner for another tango class offered by teachers from buenos aires. So cool!

feeling sad today

feel sad today. will drop any hopes for a meeting with V. hoping to meet him and talk about the situation is making me upset and i dont feel much is going to resolve after we talk. so feel i need to mail his book to him and that will be it. Not even friends. that is a shame. I liked him so much! but he dropped me as a person and as a friend and that is what hurts me now. Somehow i need to get closure myself and move on.

I know that this is what God wanted and some time from now I will be grateful for this experience but now i am struggling to find the meaning of it. When I asked what his purpose was in my life, I get an answer that he opened my heart (which is true, I really opened up my heart to him) and that allowed me to get pregnant. So something to be grateful for.

when it rains, it pours

OK, had a good meeting with the ppl from NY. Let's see if they are interested in me, then i should hear from them next week. I am interested in the position, assuming it will hold true, but do not want to move to the states (NY). Not even temporarily. Do not feel like doing it with a tiny baby.

At the same time i am flying to CH next week for an interview and have another interview on the phone this week. Let's see what happens.
had an interview monday for a job in Lndn, but it wont go further.
No word re the project though, so maybe i was not meant to do it after all.

Oh la la part 2

Had another job interview for a job in CH. Went well. Next step is to go there to meet ppl which will happen in the next 2 weeks. Let's see. Now need to pray that i get my permit to reenter in time for this visit; otherwise am not allowed to return to the country where I am currently living.

oh la la

Ok had an interview today. The company is in NYC but there is an opportunity to stay in Europe. The main guy will be visiting here next week, so we will meet and talk. I am interested in salaries, etc. Let's see.

What I want to manifest in 2012

• Meeting my divine partner who is also my husband
• Harmonious relationships at home with A and my husband
• Total harmony, things flowing
• My home being a paradise, a fantastic place where my heart and soul relax
• Having a great view from my window – view of water
• Feeling love in my heart
• Living from my heart all the time
• Being completely happy
• Loving and receiving love
• Being able to share my affections with my daughter and my mother
• Having a job that allows me to have good balance in my life
• Having a job that brings me closer to my mission
• Being able to support myself to bring enough money to enjoy my lifestyle
• Going to Argentina to learn to dance tango and having my partner’s full support
• Losing the fears I have
• Being /feeling confident
• Having a dog
• Feeling beautiful and enjoying my beautiful face and my beautiful body
• Being surrounded by lots of good friends and support system
• Having great relationship with my future in-laws
• Apartment situation with H being resolved in a mutually satisfactory way
• Having also a deep tantric relationship with my partner/husband
• Being able to spend quality time together and enjoying each other emotionally, physically, sexually despite having a little baby
Opening my heart to him completely and him opening his heart to me completely
• Having good relationship with H and his family
• Exciting vacations together, with and without A.
• Having good, cordial and friendly relationship with A’s father.
• Perfect health for me, my mom, my baby and everyone close to me.

What I want to manifest for remainder of 2011

• Easy remainder of my pregnancy
• The rest of my pregnancy being enjoyable
• Easy ecstatic birth
• Easy delivery
• Healthy baby girl
• The project for my consultancy going well and bringing lots of money in
• Satisfied clients and me being happy working with them
• Enjoying my work
• Manifesting the right kind of help for me after A. arrives into my life
• So that I felt I still have the freedom I want to have
• Easy access to human breast milk and ability to buy it inexpensively
• Being a good mother
• Spending quality time with my child
• Have a very strong intuition and listening to it in every aspect of my life
• Having a lover with whom I can have a meaningful relationship and have fantastic sex who would take me out and take care of me, whom I really like and care about
• Having lots of supportive friends in my life
• Finding a job that brings meaning to my life
• Moving to a new country that is right for me where I feel it is our home
• Moving to a new country where people speak foreign languages so that my baby could learn to speak foreign languages
• Learning to dance tango well
• Keep enjoying dancing tango and progressing fast
• Having a reliable tango partner
• I want a lot of money coming in to support the life style I want to have
• A’s dad being involved in her life
• Having a good and adult and respectful relationship with my mother
• Becoming more organized
• Having order in my living space
• Feeling very beautiful and glowing
• Feeling that I have a perfect body
• Having perfect health and my dense hair growing back and staying there
• Having lots of help when A arrives
• My baby being perfectly healthy and happy and quiet
• Being able to get enough sleep after she arrives
• Feeling that my life is now starting (no longer in a holding pattern)
• Keeping my excitement up about tango
• Being able to dancing tango until my delivery
- Feeling hot and sexy despite having a stomach
- Losing baby fat SUPER fast in a healthy way
- Getting rock hard abs after she is born

letter to my ex-lover/ex-friend

Dear V

I wanted to write you this letter, but will not send it to you. It is too private and I do not feel I should open up to you any more. Instead, I need to close down my heart to you which I am in the process of.

I felt and feel very hurt by what happened. I felt that you made this decision not to be lovers with me, but you kept it from me for a month. This misled me. I also asked you a couple of times about that, but you denied it. Why did you deny it? You kept me hanging for an extra month.
Then you completely disappeared from my life, even as a friend. You dumped me as a person which I find so hurtful. I am completely fine with not being lovers, but being dumped as a person or as a friend is something that is difficult for me to take. I need healing from it. It highlighted the issue I have with this which I want to look into closer.

I also am very upset that you were avoiding me without telling me that you do not want to see me. That really really upset me. I do not want to be with people who want to avoid me. I do not even want to contact such people. I only want to be with people who want to spend time with me. You should have told me. I kept contacting you because I missed you and wanted to see you.

I feel sad, I miss you. I missed you this morning, I cried. I miss your presence in my life. But I need to let you go as a lover for sure and as a friend and even possibly as an acquaintance because of the way you ended this, without any closure, without an explanation. As if all we had was a one night stand and not a close relationship we did have. I need to let you go and I will.

Thank you for all the lessons you have taught me – if a man lies to a very important person in his life, what makes me feel that I am any different? Trust in a person is essential. I can see that now even more than before. I also learned to trust my intuition because it is always right even when I do not really want to listen to it. My intuition was telling me to leave you alone and stop contacting you and actually start seeing other guys, but I did not listen.

I also learned that I am a very good person, very affectionate, very open minded and will make a very good supportive partner or a wife. All I need to do is stand my ground a bit more and express what I want more.

And now, thank you and good-bye.

what i am feeling grateful for regarding my V, my ex-lover

Grateful that i felt i opened my heart to him, that i felt i could get involved with someone again, that I am ready
grateful for the good times we shared
grateful for amazing sex we had
grateful for the closeness and intimacy we had at some point
grateful that he listened to my advice, it made me feel valued
grateful for the fucking hot experience we had at a swinger's club
grateful for his support and help when i had problems with visa and when my mother disappeared
grateful for his advice and involvement in my life
grateful for his friendship while it lasted
Grateful for the experience teaching me AGAIN to fully trust my intuition
grateful for the experience teaching me that i should only get involved with single men who are emotionally available to me
Important learnings are that i really need to trust my intuition - very happy about that and grateful that my intuition is so strong and that I could clearly feel I am ready to get involved with someone seriously, so when I am really ready, the person will appear.

need to recite what i am feeling grateful for today

OK, have been feeling very sad because of my ex-lover and cried in the morning. So want to count my blessings and recount what I am grateful for in general and in my interactions with him.

In general, I am grateful for
being pregnant after years of infertility
my pregnancy being so easy and smooth (knock on wood!)
living in a gorgegous place where i live
having a fantastic view from my apt
happy to have good friends around me
grateful for my mother's support emotional and financial
grateful that i have not been working and was able to focus on being pregnant and on myself
grateful i had savings and could sustain myself
grateful i discovered tango and how happy it makes me feel
grateful i met J my baby's father who gave me the biggest gift a man can give to a woman
grateful to be able to be in a very good shape and take care of myself
grateful that i feel sexy and attractive
grateful for my perseverence and attitude towards life. I never give up
grateful for my growing intuition and my strong connection with my body
grateful for the life i managed to create for myself in this foreign country
grateful that i discovered taoist practices and that i do this tao practice every day
grateful that tango makes me feel so happy.
grateful for my health
grateful for the information i receive from my guides
grateful it is sunshine outside now - it has been a loooooong winter. :)

letter

OK, I need to write a letter (that i will not send) to my ex-lover/ex-friend. I will post it here maybe.
Also need to write down what i want to manifest in my life this year and next year. will post here as well.

hmmm

On wednesday i felt attracted to my tango partner. WTF? I did not find him attractive before, but wednesday he was so happy, was beaming. What I like about him is that he seems to be so much into tango. He is just as crazy about it as I am. Look forward to dancing with him next week!!! But how do I contain my attraction to him? Also he does not know I am pregnant. I can still hide it under my clothes.

And have sort of like a date next sunday with a guy from Germany. That will be interesting. But for now look forward to the tango filled weekend - 6 hrs tomorrow, Sat and 3 hours on Sunday. Going to tango ball Saturday hope to get good practice there too and dance with many experienced men so that I can learn from them.

To me, tango is like sex. But in sex I can express myself quite well, but in tango I feel I do not know how to express myself yet, but hopefully this will be helped a bit tomorrow at my workshop.

tango dancing

spent more than a week dancing tango. That was fucking fantastic!!!

have been "progressed" into the future

Last year (2010) my coach "progressed" me as opposed to regressed me into the future. This is what I saw. When I am 40,5, 42 and 43, I saw myself with a man in an apartment. The surroundings outside were snow -covered streets. it was in the suburbs somewhere and the place reminded me of Germany but I do not know where it is.

When I was 46 - there was a little girl that was my own daughter. I am living in the house, nice cozy house. There is a man in the house and I was sure that this little girl was mine. not from a donor egg but from my own egg. Her hair is exactly like mine but lighter (her father has lighter hair so it makes sense). She is so gentle and so pure and we have such a strong heart-to-heart connection! That encouraged my belief that I can have my own biological child but of course, I had doubts.

There was snow outside the house.

When I am 50 yo I reach a place where I feel a lot of harmony and happiness inside me. I am working for myself, connecting children with their parents (not sure if it is adoption or something else that brings mothers /parents who cannot or could not have babies together with their babies. I saw myself as a "blue fairy" that grants people their most sacred wish - that of motherhood or parenthood. Already start feeling tears in my eyes as I write about this.

Ok from this regression showed me that I will be in a country with snow. I have a job in a big office. A big international corporation. Huge building. Blue fairy is gifted at making the right match between mothers and children. She (I) make women mothers and grant their most sacred wish. Not sure if this is a company I open that deals with adoptions or organization that deals with children or products for children. I have no idea. But let's see.

My sweet little soulmate child is on her way to me. Now need to find a job to support her and a man who will be her father. Needs to be the right father for her. I am in a fortunate position where I can select her father.

I am tired of my lover's mysteries

I am sick and tired of my lover's mysteries. I feel I need to end the way things are. Tomorrow we are going to meet and talk and I will tell him how I feel. I do not want to hang in in this uncertainty, not knowing what is going on. I will focus on the positives and will find out what he wants to do and take it from there.

what's happening with me and my lover

OK what is happening with me and my lover who is also my friend? He became non-responsive without telling me that he does not want to be with me anymore. I asked him when i am going to see him - no response. Sent him a link with a movie I want to see - no response. Did he meet someone else? Is he tired of me?

My guides told me not to jump to conclusions and it is not what I think. His purpose in my life is not over. he is a great friend in the time of need. I asked if we are going to have a sexual relationship and the answer was yes, for the time being. So where is this damn sex? I am pregnant and I need it. And want to feel close to him, smell him, touch him. OK, the 6 healing sounds practice is really helping me to calm down, so I will let it go and stop contacting him for now. He has some emergency stuff at work until the first week of June. I will wait until then and see what happens.

Angel reading from my friend Z.

Z. came a couple of weeks ago to give me angel readings.
The first question I asked was about my divine partner. I think it was whether I will meet him or not? I can't remember.

OK. the first card she got was AA Michael "You can do it" The interpretatiion of it was find the blessings in your current situation. For me it means using hypnosis to be happy.
View yourself through the eyes of the person u'd like to meet and get to know ??? cant understand now what it says.
I need to clear and shield my energy in my living space.

The first part was what I should pay attention to -To stay focused, not get distracted and be happy.
What is blocking - Energy healing- avoid situations with negative energy.
Positive outcome - balance career and home life - this is a must for me now, since my baby is coming.

Extra card - Teacher the time is coming that I give knowledge to others.

OK but this reassured me that my divine partner is coming. That was very clear.

The next question I asked was what should I do in my life professionally.
1. You are seeing the situation accurately - Horus. I need to pay attention to old Egyptian wisdom.

2. Father, hysand, brother, son - Osiris, let go of all the old hurt in connection with men in your life - I hold a lot of anger from old time, and need to let it go.

Update 25.5.11 Strangely enough I have been doing tao practice called 6 healing sounds where you release anger among other things, and this anger is stored in the liver.

3. Follow your heart - St. Francis. Trust yourself, trust in the situation. The universe will ensure that my needs are met. Yes, this is what I need to hear now. I also got this message that I am safe and protected, no harm can come to me. Just want I need, given the situation of me not having a job.

Next question.
I asked what I should do/keep in mind to be a better mother
1. Wise decision - guardian angel -trust in your inner wisdom. You cannot make the wrong decision. Trust you make the right decisions and that your decisions are wise. Do not let anything distract you from your decisions.

Holding wisdom in my arms - I am divine mother holding an owl in my arms - close to my heart. Let go of how I used to make decisions in the past. Follow my heart, be your own boss, do not be afraid.

2. You found it - St. Anthony of Padua. I found something I lost, pay attention if I feel I lost myself or lost something else - need to know if I found it already. Keep faith that I found or will soon find what I was looking for. This situation is what I was looking for. Call AA Chamuel if I lose something. Can't lose my way as long as I am connected to my heart.
Keep faith and confidence in myself. Pause if feel somebody dragging me in the wrong direction. Do not let people distract me from my path.

Pause - look inside myself and connect with myself if too tired. Will know which ppl to ask for help or advice and which ppl not to ask for advice. Need to be patient. Have to get to core to things when u make decisions - can only do it when in harmony. Hold on to your heart and your core.

Stay focused on your inner truth when you get a child. Important to relax and catch a breath before you move on in whateer matter - will be a success story.

3. Pause - guardian angel, beautiful woman, color, state of mind. Taking a break to take care of myself, my inner peace and my well being.

More about H and my baby - something i found that i wrote more than 2 years ago

I wrote this more than 2 years ago, some time in 2009 I think before I left H.
I hate loose pieces of papers, that is why I have to transcribe it here.

This is what it says. "My love life is non-existent. I long for a partner who is there emotionally or physically (and H was not). I stay in relationship that needs to end, and it makes me sick and depressed.

I want a partner who will encourage me to pursue my divie purpose. Who will be happy when I'm happy. I want to be in a flow with him together. The 2 of us flowing far away, the synergies ever before imagined.

Next steps - I need to leave H, as the relationship ran its course. Going to Russia where you meet your destiny.

What is my heart's desire? To have a child, to have my baby girl holding me and me holding her.

Update 25.5.11 As I am writing this, I have tears i my eyes. Yesterday I tried to talk to my baby to tell her how much I love her, but got chocked up in emotions. Had a dream last night about holding my baby and kissing her, and I could not get enough of that or feeling my face and lips against her skin. So overwhelming. Have tears in my eyes now as I type this.

What steps should I take to make it reality?
Leave H, he is stopping you from being reunited with your daughter.

What is blocking me from getting this now? H. Your relationship is over. He is not the right father for the child.

Update 25.5.11 I completely forgot I wrote this and just found it now and had goosebumps as I read it. I saw H last week and kept thinking that he would not be the right father for my child. And also talked to my mother about this 2 weeks ago.

being kicked out of the country

i was told today that i have until 20 may to leave this fucking paradise. what a sucky timing! Right now the only place where I can go to is home to the states, but i do not want to go there. I hope the job in europe will manifest itself. keeping fingers crossed! IN the states I have no health insurance and here in Europe I do.
For now I am appealing but i would not be surprized if my appeal would be rejected.

what I want to manifest in 2011

Feeling beautiful, gorgeous, loved, cared for COnfidence with job, interviews, men Increased feeling of self- worth Loving caring and respectful relationship wiht my mom Continued perfect healt Beautiful dense hair Feeling happy all the time no matter what happens to me Being in a relationship with my divine partner Having full control over what I eat A family Being slim and having a perfect body A job that's perfect for me leading me closer to my mission A perfect job for me at the moment Abundance, financial abundance Lavish lifestyle Love, lots of it Lots of self-love Lots of great sex and intimacy Living in a city where I love to live Living in an apartment or a house that I love My place being a paradise Being organized, clean, having things in order in my living space A dog A child

From my inner lingam - Workshop Yoniversal Wisdom 2

1. Listen to yourself 2. Cherish yourself 3. Pas på who you let into your yoni 4. CHerish your yoni, it is sacred 5. You are a sacred temple, and need to be treated as such 6. Be blessed, be cherished, be worshipped 7. Say no. Learn to set boundaries. 8 Your yoni has been disrespected. 9. Nurse its wounds. Heal it. 10. Do it with an open heart. Be vulnerable 11. Only let men in who do it out of love 12. Let love be your guiding force 13. Get in touch with your power, your feminine power 14. Be careful which dick you let in and whom you fuck. Only do it out of love. 15. Be yourself always, be authentic, be honest 16. Sex will connect you with universal love, that is its purpose 17. Creating connection between hearts, and minds of 2 lovers, bringing you closer to God. 18 Find a tantra partner 19. Continue on your tantric path 20. Let love show you the way. 21 Strive to be closer to God, for you are a goddess 22. Only sacred sex for you 23 Love and respect for your yoni. Touch it more. Give it pleasure. It earns to be loved. When your heart is open, your yoni is open. Love will heal you. Words: sacred, holy, sacred sex, love your yoni, love sacred sex

what my yoni told me - from the Yoniversal Wisdom workshop

You are worthy, you are a Goddess in the making. Love yourself. It is the journey and not the destination. You have a long journey ahead of you. Get in touch with your power, your feminine power. Use your inner wisdom. Purify yourself. You are safe and divinely protected. No harm can come to you. Take more risks in your life. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable. Show your vulnerability. It will pay off. I love you, do not be afraid to be you, to be who you really are. Use your power, your femininity. Be a woman you really are. You are the sun. Comfort yourself for soon you'll nurture another. Words: Beauty, you are beautiful, you are loved. Love passion, vulnerability, POWER, wisdom. Cherish yourself. Pictures: Third eye that is crying because I do not always listen. Heart, sun, moon, yoni enveloping me with a word saying "safe"

well what doya know, I am pregnant

OK, big news- I am pregnant. 11w 5d today. Saw my baby on the ultrasound today, it or should I say she (I think it is a girl) was moving a lot, and I was so overwhelmed I was crying. now the baby is becoming very real, before it was hard to believe it, but now i had these thoughts what the fuck am I going to do now?!