My first ad just came out in this newsletter

My fertility ad just came out in this newsletter. Way cool! I just sit back and relax and wait for phone calls. I cleared up my Wednesday for a client, let's see.

Not working out with fertility clinics so far

It'snot working out with fert. clinics so far. Something is blocked. The door was locked today again! I have to mail them the flyers.
Now I am thinking of targetting the accupuncture clinics. The one I used to go to. Let's see.

What I should do at my current job

I have been just meditating and I was strongly guided to do a couple of things at my current job -
to talk to this guy in the US I am working with and offer my help with a project. I have also seen it is possible that I may be asked to move temporarily at our company in the US to work on one project there. I want it to be a temprorary move. thís is the third time I am receiving this message.

Then I was guided to talk to one woman at work whom I do not like, but now I noticed that she is actually very nice and a very good leader. She actually looks like a man but she is very powerful and very good operationally wise. I was told to approach her and ask her to mentor me and be my role model as a strong woman. This is a second
time I got this message.

Then I got this message to talk to this nasty guy at my current job who is very good at creating a buzz about himself to ask him advice on how to make myself more visible.

All in all it is all good. I can see how this new gift I have, this increased sensitivity is useful.

Day 8

I could not hear the whole tape, it was mumbling a little bit, but these are my thoughts: My awareness of the divine spirit within me and itsunlimited source is the way to prosperity without any limitations. This awareness will lift me up to a conmpletely new level of livign with a mind set of abundance and focusing on the unlimited source. Focus on the source (divine mind within me) will elead me to a new life of abundance.

Withdrew from swiss application

And I am very proud of myself - I called the recruiter about the job in Switzerland and told them that I would like to withdraw. Then they said why are you withdrawing, just wait to benchmark your position against others if you get selected as the final candidate.

I however, had a strong feeling today that I must withdraw but these women convinced me that I should stay in the race. However now I felt that I must decline so I just emailed them that I officially would like to withdraw. I just have a feeling that I had to do it.

Today and also yesterday I had a strong feeling that I must sms T. to change our appointment to 5 instead of 4:30 and I did. He was very happy, he actually wanted to meet later because he was afraid that the doors would still be closed and he did not have the key. My intuition is really really improving!

emotional healing today

Today I had an emotional healing with T., who is a student healer. He is very very good. I thought it was very interesting what happened today in light of recent events and me feeling unhappy.

We did healing of the inner child exercise. It started off with a meditation where I was laying under the tree, and then I was guided that there was a child that appeared from somewhere. I was asked to describe that child. The child was a boy, very concentrated, very serious, he kept walking in a certain way. I was asked to get his attention but I could not, no matter what I tried. He ignored me or did not see me. I felt he did not like me.Then when I tried sitting next to him and blocking his way, I saw myself sitting but now I was wearing a thick mask. The mask look like it was smiling but it was a smile of pain. These would be questions between T (T) and me(M)
T Why are you wearing a mask?
M for protection
T Why do you need protection?
M i am afraid they will hurt me.
T How will they hurt you?
M They will take things from me and not give me anything back
T What would you need for them to give back to you
M To give me love and care
T what if they give you love and care and tell you that they would do anything for you
M I would not believe them
T what do they need to do for you to believe them
M I need to see that in action to be convinced
T What if you see it over and over again
M then I will believe it
T How do you feel when you feel that you get love and care?
M I saw that the mask has disappeared but it got replaced by another mask - a thinner one. I am wearing a strange feather like suit like for a masquerade and wear a thick layer of make up (like a mask covering my face)
T Why do you need this mask
M to cover who I really am
T Why do you need to cover who you really are
M Because they would not like me
T What makes you think they would not like you, did you do something to them that would make them not like them
M No /because I do not like myself
T why do you not like yourself?
M No answer
T imagine that they do like you
M my mask disappeared but I was wearing a chicken suit. My head was sticking out of a chicken suit but no mask.

Then I was asked to focus on a child again. This time it was another child, it was me, at about 4 y.o. I was looking sad and serious. I was not a happy baby. I (the child) was told to take me (the adult) to a special place. I ended up in my kindergarten, in one of the rooms where we had a zoo club where I stole a white mouse as a child. Then we were playing, and I sensed that I had this block in my chest around my heart. I was asked to hold me the child and to tell the child I really love it and will always love it but it needs to let me remove the block. I hugged the child, removed the block, said I love it and the child disappeared. I think she got all the love she needed and did not need to be there anymore. I felt like I could sense the area between my chest and my stomach.

Amazingly, my throat, as soon as I get emotional, my voice gets harsh. So this was that.

I am amazed that all these things came out. I was completely unaware of such important stuff. Wow. Now I will need to watch out how I feel in the next week. What is the significance of a chicken suit, of feathers?

Day 7

"The divine consciousness that i am is forever expressing its true nature of abundance. This is its responsibility, not mine. My only responsibility is to be aware of this truth; therefore I am totally confident letting go and letting God appear as the abundant all sufficiency in my life and affairs."

My thoughts: I need to let go! Need to trust that God (the divine) will take care of things with the best results. Trust in God! My divine mind has unlimited source of abundance and unlimited supply. The only thing I need to do is to be aware of this source/unlimited supply and to let go of trying to control AND have trust and confidence that God (the divine mind) will provide for me according to my needs and wishes without any limitations. There are no limitations in what can be provided! None, as the supply is unlimited. I am loved and supported and get all the help I need. My divine mind is my connection to the universal divine and I know that the divine loves me and is helping me every step of the way. All my wishes have been fulfilled and are being fulfilled.

I can see that my thoughts are getting longer and longer.

Powers of manifestation

Ok, I am starting to believe in manifestation now. Today I had to call two fertility clinics to ask them if I could leave my flyers there. Before I called I manifested that at the first clinic the doctor would pick up the phone and that they would say yes, I can leave the flyers. At the second clinic, I also manifested the same.

So when I called the first clinic, the doctor picked up the phone! It's normally so rare, as he is very busy. I got scared and hung up!!! So I called the second clinic and they let me bring a flyer so that the doctor would look at it and then they would decide if they want to have it there or not. Then I called the first clinic and spoke with the nurse and she let me leave the flyers there. So that's why I rushed from work to get the flyers, and did not make it as described in my previous post. So tomorrow I am going to take the flyers to the clinics!!

I was very scared to call the clinics, so scared, so I cut the cords to fear, then I asked my guide virgin Mary to help me, I also channeled her. I could feel that my heart opened because Mary is just so kind and has so much love. I did not really prepare any text, but I said I am a former infertility patient and because of the suffering I went through, now I am a healer and help women going through infertility. Then I asked if I could leave my flyers with them. The nurse that picked up the phone was so happy because first she thought I said I wanted to donate my eggs to which I responded I wish I could do that, but I have no eggs to give, which is so true. My Goodness, if I could donate eggs to help a woman get pregnant, it would just make me so happy to be able to do that and to give someone a gift of a child!

I also need to call a few more private clinics tomorrow, after my healing.

However, today this girl emailed me - which I take as a sign that I am on the right track. I know this girl and she wants me to help lose her pregnancy related weight (and weight loss is my specialty). She was referred to me by my friend T whom I also healed for weight loss and she lost 3 kg and was very happy. Now, I do not know if I should charge this girl. I am thinking of asking her for a gift and if she comes back, then I would charge her. However this gave me this idea that I can specialize in helping women shed off their post-pregnancy gained weight. However, I do not know so much about these issues but there is definitely a demand for it, and it is very much needed. I am so excited that my friend referred this girl to me! Also, I am so happy to see her and help her.

After Reiki Master Initiation

Well, when I asked my guide if I need this Reiki Master education and why I need it, the answer was that I need and and this initiation will make me stronger.

Now, after the initiation, this is what happened. When H arrived to the airport, I was waiting for him but he did not show up. I asked how long should I wait, and got a message that I need to count until 25. When I counted until 28, he appeared.

Then my clairaudient abilities really really improved. Before I could hear the voice but only during meditation. Now I hear the voice every time I ask a question and the voice is very clear. For example, today I was on my way to distribute the flyers to 2 fertility clinics, but got this voice saying that I should do it tomorrow. I ignored the voice, and proceeded driving, but the traffic was so horrible that it took me one hour to get home at which time it was too late to go to the clinics. I also get answers yes or no which are written when I ask a question. I also got a message that I should stay at my current job and that I will get a promotion. Today I was asking about this and it appears I will be at my current company until the end of the year but in a different position (promotion?). I also asked if I would get a raise and got the answer yes but it is a no brainer, everyone gets a raise at the end of the year.

After the initiation, I am also clairvoyant and am able to see visions as short films instead of before I could only see them as pictures. I also feel things very well, so it's like WOW, so great. I can definitely use this to my advantage and will be using it more, basically in many decisions that I have to make about important things or not so important things.

I have been sad

I have also been sad. I think it started a few weeks ago, after I started working with a new guy from the US which has had a bad effect and resulted in me working very late (until 19-21). I also stopped yoga since this summer which was not really a problem during the summer. Then I stopped my exotic dancing course about 2-3 weeks ago. I also had my Buttefly friend visit which I feel exhausted me psychically. I felt a bit exhausted while she was here, but I did not notice it. It got worse after she left. Then I feel that maybe the prosperity plan is also making me worse? but I am not sure about that.

29.10.07 12:58 update - then I realized i have had a lot of grief related to the loss of my little angel. I also have been waiting for my HCG to go down so my hormones were out of wack completely. But I have a lot of grief, so I need to get help from S.

Then I have a problem with my close friend Y because I feel I give so much and she gives so little - the balance in the relationship is not there. We have talked about that and she agreed. Then she is hurting me by talking so much about her son, how much she loves him, and how much he loves her. He tells her I love you mommy -when I heard that, I felt 1000 knives going into my heart. I told that to her as well. I saw that you should adopt a different behavior with me - you cannot tell me everything that comes to your mind. I was surprized she could not understand why I was upset but she got it in the end.

I am not sure she is the person I should be close to. She promised not to talk about this, but I do not think she can do it. So I need to keep distance. Also, when I plan to visit, she talked about getting together but I am not sure I feel like it. She invited me to her home offering that she would cook for me - because this is how she shows love - but I felt I should not do it - both the son and the husband are going to be there. I only need to spend time with her (maybe!) and definitely not with her family at this moment.

Angel card reading to H

H visited me this weekend. I gave him a card reading about the job interview he had here. I got these cards: blessing in disguise, ocean, innocence and separately play.

We had a discussion about the future and I can clearly see that he has no intentions of marrying me. I however do not want to marry him at this stage. He also told me -Look how much development I have had in the 3 short months after he left. Maybe he is in my way - this is what he said and I think that he may be right.

He also plans to move into his sisters apartment when he returns and he wants me to live there too, but I cannot take my butterflies with me - I cannot live without my butterflies and I want to live in my own apartment! I have a bad feeling about moving into her place. It is taking me away from my mission somehow.

Another news

Another news, I am now a reiki master. The initiation was very special. I saw a vision of my past life (I think) - with a little boy and a little girl running in the woods and playing -there were lots of trees. Then I saw a bird which was a symbol or something. I think it was a phoenix bird and I was that bird that was reborn after I turned into ashes. It was a symbol. Then I felt extremely grateful to my in-laws for doing things for me, for giving me their love and care. Ihad tears falling down my cheeks. It was very special. I am more clairvoyant now than before. However I am feeling very sad and noticed that I am again emotionally overeating.

Day 6, inner supply and inner source

"My inner supply instantly and constantly takes on form and experience according to my needs and desires. Therefore as the principle of supply in action, it's impossible for me to have any needs and unfulfilled desires".

My thoughts: my supplies (I am using plural form intentionally) constantly and instantly take on the shape I need, according to my needs. I manifest things instantly and constantly that come from my inner supply that is unlimited. My inner supply and source are unlimited. My source provides for me, manifesting whatever it is I may need and want. The source fulfills my every wish and every desire. My inner source and inner supply is the only true source of my happiness.

day 5, 35 more days to go

these are my thoughts: My supply is the divine mind inside me. This supply is unlimited. There are no limitations to it. Money are not my supply or any other source outside of me. The only source is the divine inside me that can provide without any limitations.

Day 4

My thoughts: God within is my supply. I need to draw and be conscious of the divine presence within me which is my source and my supply. The God is within me and I need to be conscious of it within and be conscious of my spirit within me. This spirit=God is the source and substance which I have inside, but need to be conscious of.

Day 3

"When I am conscious of the inner presence as my lavish abundance and when I am consious of the constant activity of this mind of infinite prosperity within me, my consciousness is filled wiht the light of truth."

My thoughts: I am the true source of infinite prosperity and abundance. Infinite prosperity is within me. Prosperity is my true state. It fills me up when I am conscious of it. My true state of being is prosperity and abundance.

Day 2 of Prosperity Plan

These are my thoughts after the affirmation #2 of the program. The affirmation is
"my soul is the direct expression of the mastermind I am and the purpose of my soul is to be conscious, aware, understand, and to know that the divine presence I am is the source and substance of all my good."

These are my thoughts. "My soul is divine. My soul (=I am) is a mastermind of all good. My soul is immortal and it has unlimited powers; it can create all I want and everything good to come into my life. The purpose of my souls is to create all good around me. The purpose of my soul is to manifest all good that's inside of me into all good that's outside of me."

Looking forward to day 3.

John Randolph Price's Prosperity Plan

Today is my day 1 of the 40 day prosperity plan. My last day is 2 December. These are some of the highlights. I got to know some of the things about my attitude towards money and it is quite disturbing. Here it is: I hate money, I am afraid of money. I am ashamed of money, I reject money. My integrity as it relates to money is 1 (1 is the lowest, 10 is the highest). In adition, I am irresponsible, careless, do not care about money and spend money uncontrollably. I spend, spend, spend and do not count.

I got all these answers by looking at a 5 Euro bill and asking it questions about my attitude towards money. Bizarre. So now I have a lot of things to work on.

Today is day 1 and these are my thoughts about affirmation #1. I am God, the source of my prosperity is within me. I am one with God, I can create prosperity. "It" can give me all I want, the source is really unlimited. "It" is me (I am God), so I can tap into my own source of infinite prosperity. I have infinite powers.

This is a bit strange even for me, as I do not believe in God. Maybe I will after this program.

A big update is coming

A big update is coming (but this post is not it!). I had a guest this weekend, my butterfly friend, and while I was so busy and barely had time for her, it was such a nice visit! I felt like I have known her for ages - I am sure we knew each other in our past lives. We did so much work - she on her business and I got some direction on mine.

So it was great.

However, the update about H is not so great. I feel that he doesn't love me anymore and does not accept me the way I am right now. I am very different from 7 years ago when we met. He told me that he doesn't like my decorations at home - my pink butterflies and if we move in back together, he wants them removed. But it is not happening! My butterflies make me so happy!! And being with him does not. He has this harshness about him and a lot of anger, which combined, hurt me - the new me is so very open as a person and so sensitive. Unless I see that he is taking steps to improve, there could be no future for us. I cannot live with his harshness as I only want to be surrounded by love in my life.

Another news was that I did channeling this weekend chanelling Virgin Mary's energy. I chanelled her and had a message for a classmate. It was a very powerful message but channelling is so hard on my body. During/after the channelling I felt that my heart opened so wide! The message I had for my classmate was so loving, about the little children she is helping and that she needs to hurry because they are really waiting for her. When she asked what is it that they want her to do, I said that they need her because her love will help them grow big and strong and give this love to others. Well, I do not speak like this in normal life. My voice has changed. I could not control my face, my voice sounded much much lower and at some time I was whispering. I had difficulties breathing, and you could hear that I was struggling to breath. My friend told me that I looked like I was possessed.

It was difficult to answer questions rather than to just speak. When I heard questions being asked, the connection with the energy was interrupted and I had to reconnect with her. It is so interesting that I "heard" the words and was just repeating it to my classmate. I would not dare to do this by myself without someone to get me out of this state.

A few other things happened this weekend. Having this friend here, with all our talks about spiritual stuff, really propelled my self-esteem and belief in myself forward. So it was fantastic. It is so hard to find someone with whom I could discuss these matters, but she is the perfect person. I felt very safe and comfortable sharing my "spiritual experiences".

Another piece of info

Today during my meditation I asked one of my guides about a baby. the question was when will I have a baby. the answer I got back was "12". Ok, is it 12 months to get pregnant, 12 months until I get pregnant or 12 weeks until I get pregnant? My answers regarding numbers have been pretty accurate so far. Let's see.

I also asked what do I need to do to sell the apartment and got an answer back that said "nothing".

Madonna

H lives in a Catholic part of Germany. We were passing a madonna and I asked her for a baby. I felt that she told me that I will get my baby and I saw a vision of her giving me a baby. I asked her when and got an answer back "6". I thought it was "6 months", but I hope it is 6 weeks. After 6 months, I will attend my angel course, so my travel (to LA and Hawaii) will be over.

Spotting

I am spotting again - started yesterday. I think my aunt Flow is coming or could I be pregnant again? I saw some posts of women who got pregnant immediately after the miscarriage, even before their period came. So it is possible.

I also passed some stuff again again - I think the leftovers of my little sweet angel-baby.

What I do not like after this unexpected pregnancy is that I am becoming desperate again. I will be doing exercises where I am going to let go of the desperation. I want to be happy again like I was before I got pregnant.

Clairvoyance session for H again

During my trip to Germany this weekend, I gave H a clairvoyance session on Saturday night. This is what I could see. I was able to characterize his boss. His boss has a lot of anger. i saw a picture of his boss yelling at H (or talking to him in a loud voice) and waiving an index finger at him as if giving him a warning.

Then I saw H leaving this job - when he leaves this job, it will be a sunny warm day and he is walking out of his job in a good mood. I see him wearing a dark suit - I think it is striped but I am not sure. It is definitely a dark - black or dark grey.
Then he asked me what he is going to do after. I saw a lot of pine trees again (forget the name of the trees but it is like a pine tree but with short needles). Then I saw him in our current apartment - he is walking around in the apartment, doing things, reading sunday paper. He took it to mean that he is going to be unemployed, but I do not know if it is right or not. Then he asked me if he should take the job that he is inquiring about at a new fund - and I said no. He asked me whether he is going to have his own business and the answer I got was yes. He asked what kind of business, and I heard the word "people". So I said it would have something to do with people. Let us see what happens next.

However, the information I give to him, appears that something inside me is blocked a little bit, It is hard to give out info. Whereas with my Butterfly friend, the information is just flowing out of me. It is very easy to give messages to her.

HCG #2

The HCG #2 a week after the first one is 280. So it is on its way down. I think with this rate of decrease, it should be zero at the end of november.

My IF services - I finally jumped off the vagon

This is an update. I was pushed to create a flyer and send it out to people. So now I am ready to start advertising my services. I am asking for the signs of what I should do. If I was meant to do this, the universe will help me. I emailed the organization for the infertile informing them about my services. Then I went to see my doctor for another HCG test and asked her if I could leave my flyers there. And she said yes.

Then I emailed the networking group I belong to asking them to keep me in mind when someone with these problems contacts me. Now I am going to contact infertility clinics here.

Then I am going to inquire about this organization that offers courses to the public and see if I could offer a course about this and that will serve as an advertisement. Wow! I am on the roll. I need to speak to a classmate who is doing this already. See if she has tips for me.

Need to be surrounded by love and signs

I asked what I need to do to get pregnant and have this baby. I got an answer that I need to be surrounded by love. This weekend H came and there was so much love between us. I have also been sending love to myself.

We were very intimate and I thought that I could get pregnant. I also had a clairdream where I felt something was placed inside of me. I think it was a square. It was like a seed. I also had a conversation with someone. All I remember is this square being placed inside and I had some sensations and that's why i woke up.

Today I got back the results of the test I had - they measured my HCG and it is over 500 (3 weeks after a miscarriage). So I could not have ovulated. I need to stop thinking again about getting pregnant but focus instead on my well-being. This comes first right now.

Before H came, on Friday I saw a sign - there was this butterfly in the supermarket - that reminded me of my butterfly friend. I was watching it and it was flying around me. Then on Saturday I saw a feather flying across the window. Then on my way to the interview I saw many many signs. I thought it would be because the interview went well. But it did not. I did not like the people. They seemed very stressed. Two of them got sick at the same time and did not show up to interview me. So I am going to decline this position.