sick and tired of my job

I am sick and tired of this stupid brainless job I have. I have to deal with very boring people - they bore me to death - yawn, yawn!

I can't wait to start working with marketing people again.

My vision of inner me and realizations

I saw a radiant, beautiful confident inner me today during my meditation. It was a divine creature, blessed by G-d. I had a silver dress, was walking on a runway like a model. I had a lot of confidence and radiated from the inside. I realized that I started the process of becoming this radiant being on the outside too. This is what I am moving towards.

I am also meeting with my fashion consultant next Thursday.We are going to discuss what would work for me and then go shopping! I hope we can find stuff.

Today during my meditation I realized that before I mother a child, I need to be my own mother, giving myself unconditional love. I need it. I also felt unconditional love for myself today during my meditation.

When I became initiated into the 2nd Reiki II,I felt very present. I noticed everything, sounds, smells, my surroundings. For the first time I noticed that there was a tree growing in the hallway at the Institute. The tree looked a little fragile and it was a little tree. I realized that this tree is a metaphor of myself - before my growth started, I was a little dry lifeless seed planted in the ground, and now I am this tree. I had a feeling of WOW; look at how much I have grown (spiritually)! I feel that I am meant to grow much much more into much bigger tree than I am today but I need to be careful and take care and protect the tree I am now - it is fragile, it needs a lot of nourishment, love, water and protection.

Visions from today - 26.5.07

During the energy circle, out of nowhere I had a vision of a little angel - Cherub - kissing me on the lips. It was so nice, sweet and innocent, and touching. I had a feeling of love and gentleness towards me during this kiss.

I liked it so much that I wanted him to kiss me again. We kissed each other a few times - it was so sweet, like a kiss from an innocent child. It made me smile and I almost burst into laughter. I had tears of happiness in my eyes. I had a feeling that it could have been the child I have lost at 3 weeks in February 2006 or perhaps it was my unborn child.

I remember how I kissed my mom on the lips when I was a child, she first smiled and then it made her laugh. So touchy. We had a name for it, but it is not translatable into English.

What I have learned

This weekend I am taking more courses from the Institute where I am studying healing. This is what the teacher said yesterday that was important. She said to let go of the scales that we grew to protect ourselves, scales that are our false facade. Then who we really are will emerge. We just need to provide a safe environment for this real "us" to let this part of us grow.

What I learned since the last course:
I want to connect my body, my mind, heart and my spirit, to integrate them. Then instead of pulling me in different directions, they will take me in the direction that is right for me.

I decided to stop abusing my body by making it do things it doesn't want to do. I want to stop pushing myself hard when I am out of breath and need rest and relaxation and time for reflection: If it appears like I am doing nothing; I want to stop pushing myself to do something because this is my reflection time.

I decided to start healing people and charge them for my time.

I was dizzy after my initiation into Reiki II -Sei He Ki.

H is negotiating for a job

H is supposed to fly out to Germany to negotiate a job. He is afraid to leave everything behind. I do not think he is going to do it. I think I will lose respect for him if he does not do it. Is laying on the coach and being unemployed better? Shape up dude, I am tired of being the money maker in here. I need a break from that. I planned to move with him and take a short break from working. But I do not think he will do it.

I am already disappointed.

This adorable little girl

I promised to love myself for one month before making any decisions about anything.

Here is the thing - I was able to see who is it who is crying inside me. It was me age 7 or 8 or 9, I recognized my age because at that age my hair was braided - I had a braid on the right and a braid on the left. I saw myself crying because at that age I witnessed a huge argument between my dad and my grandma Schuka. Everyone in the family gathered in the bedroom and those two started arguing. My grandmother was furious (why?) and grabbed my dad's ears and plunged her nails inside his skin breaking it. My dad just pushed her a little aside which resulted in him breaking her arm (she had very brittle bones). As they were arguing, my mother was screaming also and my grandpa was also screaming. I was crying, it traumatized me so much to this day!

I did not realize how much it traumatized me. So in my vision, I went into this room and removed the little me from this madness into the living room. We laid down on the sofa together, and I was holding this little girl who was hugging me. She so much needed love from her mother!! I am not her mother, but all I could do is to hold her to make her feel loved. We stayed like this for 10 minutes, then it was time for me to end this part of meditation and to connect to my G.A. instead. But the little girl just would not let me go, and I could not abandon her. I felt she needed me. As we laid there, I could feel how much love she has for me. She loves me so much! I have allowed myself to let this love into my heart and felt it and it moved me incredibly, I started crying. I have tears in my eyes now still, 2 days after this vision as I think about it. Yesterday I described this to H and could not hold back my tears.

I stayed with this little girl, she was holding me, I was holding her and without letting her go, I connected with my G.A.

I feel these "loving myself" experiences are very good for me.

A morning of predictions

Yey! I hired myself a creative coach which is someone who will help me express myself in my clothing better. I need it to realize my vision of me as a healer. We are meeting next thursday - I am so excited.

But... today was a morning of questions and answers. I asked these questions - if I should be with H and got an answer of no.If I am going to lose my current job and the answer was yes. I asked when and the answer was 3 months. I asked if I should try to get a job with my current company in Switzerland and the answer was no. I asked what I should do with myself and the answer was START HEALING!

I tried to ask what country I am moving to next but I could not get an answer. I asked if I should take next seminar given by T. Page and the answer was Yes. There were a few more but I just can't remember them now. Yikes! H also said that in 3 months and a few weeks my job will change somehow.

a couple of things and T. Page

A few things that I want to mention quickly before I forget. I asked my G.A. if H and I will separate. the answer was yes. I asked when and got the answer 6 months. then I asked if H finds a job. The answer was yes, when I asked when the answer was 6 months.

Ok, one reason why I am writing this down is because I am documenting my predictions. I went to get a healing from my friend M. She told me that while she was healing me, she got a feeling of loneliness from my heart. She asked her guide what is this loneliness connected to and got an answer that it was related to infertility. She said to me that she felt that I am in it myself (by "it" she meant creating a baby. H is not there with me emotionally. And she is so right! She also told me that she got a message that I may have a baby but H will not be the father.

She told me that she was happy in a way to hear that I had no eggs. Last time she healed me, she got a message that if there is an egg, it will result in a disabled child. She said that she does not think H is ready to deal with this. I said I am not sure if I can deal with something like this. But we do not need to be concerned about that.

Then I attended T. Page seminar. It was the most expensive seminar I have ever attended. However it is already pushing me towards starting my own business. I am in the process of creating advertisement. Ha! I also compiled the list of all the embassies where I plan to distribute my flyers. I already asked my friend to correct my translation of the flyer into Russian. Also, after this course, I feel different, more in touch with my right hemisphere and had an urge to hire a clothing consultant.

I already found one and hope to meet with her next week before my networking trip to Cambridge.

I am also very concerned about my job. I am concerned I will lose it without finding another one. I also feel that H and I are distancing from each other, although yesterday we had fantastic sex, it may not be enough to bring us together. The intimacy is gone and he does not want to open up and poses too many demands on my time. Today he is attending a seminar in anneagram - he is very interested in NLP (neuro linguistic programming). I was so unhappy yesterday, we had a fight. Why is he so needy? I feel like he needs me all the time. I have no time for myself and I need that time now to heal.

We are returning home empty handed

Ok, here is an update in the nutshell. I went through ER, which turned out to be nothing. It was nothing, really, in terms of physical pain. Ok, so the doctor took out two follies. After the procedure the doctor came to me. I knew what he was going to say that the follies were empty. And they were. There were no eggs. He did not recommend that I had more treatment with own eggs. So now genetic babies for me.

I am very sad but also relieved to know the truth. I can stop investing into something that's not to be. But imagine, I knew the answers, I heard them from my G.A. I got a clear answer that there would not be a child. So a lesson I learned from this - to ask for guidance before making important decisions and LISTEN and ACT upon that information - this is hard but will take practice. I promised to myself that I will do it.

Now I decided to forget about DE for now for about one month. I will spend that month until June 17 meditating and talking to my heart and my G.A. asking what I should do next. I will also spend one month loving myself and feeling that love that I have for the most important human being in my life - myself. I want to get in touch with my body and my soul during this time. Thereafter, I will see what I can do about DE's and whether I still want to do it. Now, I want to start healing and helping people. I will create a flyer after May when I become initiated in Reiki 2. I also want to take a few lessons in crisis management. GOing through infertility is going through a long lasting crisis.

I strongly believe that when one door closes, other doors open. I just have to have a clear mind to see what doors are opening for me. For that I need to take care of myself for one month.

Off to Prague

it's off to Prague I go. I am starting to feel indifferent. I am not sure I want to have children at this point. If this shows I have no eggs, I would feel sad but also relieved that the struggle is now over. I am tired of suffering and want to take control of my life. Now, I need to deal with my career and get it back on track. It has been suffering for the past 1.5 years. I want to get a new job, preferrably out of this fucking little kingdom. But I do not want to return back to the states. I like Europe very much, despite its problems.

Yesterday, I went to healer J, the one who taught me to talk to my G.A. He said that I need to learn to talk to my heart and that I need to learn to love myself -the same message I got from my G.A. He told me to connect with my heart every day the same way I connect with my G.A. He also told me that he rarely makes predictions but he sees me getting pregnant within one year, and naturally (huh?) It is not possible dude! But it is a prediction I want to document here.

He told me to say to myself I love you when I stand in front of the mirror every day.

Argh, I have to return to Prague!

I appreciate all comments and email of support. This Friday the doctor said that I possibly have 3 follies. One big one and two smaller ones. I said I want to stop but he said that it will be foolish. He strongly recommended that we continue. I was not sure about that, but we decided to return for ER on Tues. ER is on Wed at 7 am CET.

I asked my G.A. whether it is going to be a child, G.A said no. The no was very strong. Sometimes I am not able to tell clearly what he says but this NO was very very clear, but then I am still not able to stop with injections and stop with the treatment and call the doctor that I am cancelling the cycle. He srtrongly insisted that we continue and then I asked him if he saw cases like mine succeed and he said yes. There is no way to know whether the other two follies will become good size and will have viable eggs. There is no way to know if the big one has an egg inside.

I am writing this from the airport in Prague, when I return home, I will spend today and tomorrow meditating and asking questions. So far, I sort of felt that one folly will have an egg that will make it past retrieval but I cannot see that there will be an embryo out of it. I really want this to be over quickly if it was not meant to be. I am prolonging my suffering by not being able to move on. I hope to get an answer next week. If this embie is not meant to be my baby, I would rather there would not be an embie and I can focus on pursuing my career now. I am praying that I know soon. In any case I will know what the quality of my eggs are which is a good thing and I will be able to put the baby thing to rest, one way or the other.

kaput to my baby dreams

It's over for my little pre-babies. On Wednesday the doctor only saw one follicle, maybe two. I see no reason to continue to egg retrieval even though I am still on medications and will come for another appointment on Friday at 10:40. I also have some thoughts that I managed to write down the evening of when the news came. I will post them here in a couple of days. I had a small thought about suicide as my dream of three years just went belly up.

And this is how it is - no genetic baby for me. I am starting the process with DE and hope to have it for July. I am very depressed yet relieved that I know the truth and no longer need to invest into something - both emotionally and financially - that was not to be.

Hello from Prague

I am in Prague, waiting for my appointment. I am anxious, or so... very anxious.
On my way to the apartment I rented and then straight to the clinic. I am praying things go well today.

it is prague again tomorrow!

It is Prague again for me tomorrow. I am excited to hear if my pre-babies grew. I want to know when my ER is.

interesting things I saw today when healing my friend M. She also healed me and helped me so much! I really feel so many people are rooting for me in my adventure.

I like injections

It is accupuncture session number two for me again in 40 min. I am looking forward to it.

Amazing how much I actually like injecting myself with these hormones. I cannot believe that some women are afraid of injections or hate the treatments.For me, it is something very personal, I am nurturing my babies (or future babies), I am watering them, taking care of them. I actually call it "feeding my babies" because these Gonal-F injections make my eggs grow. It is almost like a rare and beautiful but fragile plant - it needs nourishment to thrive and grow. It makes me happy knowing that I am able nourish them and contribute to their growth by doing such an easy and simple thing like an injection. I would do more drastic things to make them grow and thrive if it could help. But... injecting myself and taking care of myself emotionally and physically is all I can do.

Every day I am looking forward to injections at 9:30 pm. Amazingly, I cannot wait to inject myself because this is how I take care of my babies. With these injections I also send a lot of love their way. In the mornings I send energy to them through self-healing. Amazingly, I see that two eggs are violet and filled with good energy, and the other two are gold and are not so good. Let us see how many eggs will be good quality. Grow babies, grow. I really need to have this egg retrieval this week.

H

I am so happy that I am with a person who believes me when I tell him about things like these and does not think I am a raving lunatic. He definitely understands me. I feel absolutely safe telling him about this.

I do not share these thoughts and feelings with other people who are not part of my healer/clarvoyant circle. How can I? They would want to lock me up. Come on, I am dealing with scientists and marketing guys, for Christ's sake!

H is not perfect and our relationship is not perfect. I am not sure we are perfect fit and now sure how long we would be together. He has been refusing to marry me even though we have been together for almost 7 years now.

We had a huge argument while in Prague, I got so pissed that I wanted to walk out. But during moments like these, when I have these private things that I cannot share with anyone else, I am so glad that I can share them with him and he would understand.

Drawings of children from Terezin

The upper floor of Pinkas synagogue has an exhibit of drawings of children from Terezin concentration camp. As I was looking at some of the paintings, I started having visions. Then as I asked three times, "Did you come from the light?" - you are supposed to ask that to make sure the messages and visions are coming from a good source. The answer was yes. Then I had a vision of me catching a little girl - about 6 or 7 yo in my arms. She fell from the fence and I was there to catch her. Somehow I had a feeling of sadness when I caught her. She was wearing a black dress with a white collar- 30's or 40's style. I could not see her face clearly, but I could see her shoulder length wavy hair. When I caught her, I knew it was was me, but I had a different body, does it make sense? After I saw this vision, I turned to another exhibit. I saw pictures of children who made these drawings. I saw this girl on one of the photos. I was shocked! Maybe it was my daughter in another life?

After I started believing in reincarnation, I have always believed that in my previous life I was also a Jew who perished in one of the concentration camps. Somehow it is so painful for me to watch the documentaries about these camps. I have visited two camps - Teresin and Mauthausen. I have always felt like I have been to a concentration camp myself. I told H about this. He said to me that it makes sense. When he was having visions, he saw a vision of a concentration camp, baracks and crematorium, and felt a great deal of suffering. I asked him if he saw me or recognized anyone in that vision. He did not see me. But still this made sense to him and it definitely makes sense to me.

What happened when I visited Pinkas synagogue

The second time when I was in Prague with my mom, we visited the former Jewish ghetto and Jewish cemetery. One of the synagogues, Pinkas synagogue is a memorial as Hitler planned to leave it as a memorial of an exterminated race. The synagogue has names of jews from Czech republic - Prague, Bohemia, Moravia who were exterminated in the camps. I had a very strange feeling when I was there, I cannot really explain it, a feeling like my soul was mourning these people perhaps. A feeling that a piece of me died with all these people and now the rest of me who is left is mourning the loss. This is perhaps how I can describe it. I cannot really explain it. I remembered this visit as it left a huge impression on me.

This time I had a feeling I had to go to this synagogue again. I believe that a reason 'that souls who are wondering around and want to be born, somehow are reincarnated in a new child. If there is no soul, no reincarnation, there is no birth. I had a feeling that I need to go to the synagogue to ask G-d to end my suffering and send me a baby. While I was there, I made a prayer, and heard an answer. I am not sure I understood what I got but I had a feeling that the answer was positive. I will get something (I think). Then as I was reading the names on the walls, the feeling of mourning took over me. I sensed that there were souls in that museum whom I could sense. I asked them to become my child. I hope someone is interested but I had a feeling that a few were interested. Then, as I walked out to the old Jewish cemetery, I definitely sensed a heavy presence.

I cannot see them, like H can see ghosts for example, but I can clearly sense them. H's dad's death and what happened thereafter - him haunting us in our home, our little Poltergeist, really taught me what I sense even if I cannot see or cannot hear. All these creatures/souls are around us but operate at a frequency that we cannot detect.

Back to the cemetery, I felt a very dense presence, so again I wanted to interest them in becoming my baby, in helping me have my child, I suffer so much without that child, my heart and soul and my body are all longing for it. I also believe I was able to interest some. I hope all these Jewish souls will help a suffering Jewish woman... I talked to H about this, of course, he believes me but he is afraid of the souls and ghosts. I am not afraid at this point. I thought that if I actually saw them, I would not be scared. Let's see what happens with the treatments now.

Back from Prague

Last evening we arrived from Prague. Before we went to see the doctor, I was stressed but had a good feeling. H was supposed to do a sperm test and deliver into a very thin vial. I do not know how he managed but he spilled a lot of his stuff on the floor but managed to catch some. The sperm count was 16 million/ml which was a little below normal (normal is 20 mil/ml) but to me he is my hero. Considering his previous analyses (0 sperm, 7 sperms, 100,000 sperms) this one is super. I was very proud of him.

The doctor also found that I have four follicles. Not many, the chances are low with his number but I will continue to egg retrieval. The doctor said that egg retrieval is most likely going to be on Friday or Sat. I should be back on Wednesday for a checkup. So flying out to Prague again on Tuesday evening. I keep wondering if there would be any embryo but I had a feeling that I will have one that they would be able to put in. (I hope my feeling is right). I also somehow knew that I would have 4 follicles. Actually I made 3 on my good right ovary and 1 on my bad non-functioning ovary. Let us see.

accupuncture was what I needed

I went to an accupunctuarist today..She was a nice Chinese lady who looked very familiar for whatever reason? Maybe she reminded me of my psychpharm professor, M.G. It was so strange. I was scared of the needles but it practically did not hurt. Instead it was the first time I felt myself in my body instead of feeling myself in my head. My body felt heavy and grounded. I felt that the universe was sending me a lot of love and comfort. I felt centered and actually I felt that accupuncture will help me. After I left, I literally felt my ovaries being activated.

Normally I am not in touch with the inside of my stomach but today I was - it's good. Well, round 2 of accupuncture is on Monday, but tomorrow Prague is awaiting me. Prague, here I come!!! We are going to go to the Jewish quarter (or former Jewish quarter) and visit a synagogue - I need to make a wish. I made wishes in catholic cathedrals wishing for a baby but my prayers have not been answered. I hope that Jewish God is more compassionate to my suffering. But we shall see. If it was meant for me to get a baby, please G-d grant it to me. If it was not meant for me to have my own genetic child, then I trust that you know what you are doing. We shall see.

AF or no AF?

I am still not sure if today is the first day of AF. I have had brown spotting for since Sunday. The doctor said that if you see red blood, then it is day 1 of your cycle. There is no red blood practically on a pad, but when I strain a lot of bright red blood comes out. So I think it qualifies as day 1.

Leaving for Prague in 2 days

My AF arrived (or did it?) so we are flying to Prague on Thursday. Tomorrow I start downregulation and on Thursday will begin the stims. My appointment with the doctor is on Saturday at 10:00. We will see if this body of mine has responded.

I got this book from Amazon.com on stress management. It strongly recommends identifying several potential solutions to a problem, then asking yourself during meditation about every solution and paying attention to any signals from the body. If the body tenses up, it may not be a good solution. I will try that. I cannot do it with things like infertility but definitely will do it regarding things like my job or with regard to my future job search.

I also want to practice self-love. No, I am not talking about masturbation here. I am talking about unconditional love towards myself.. How do I cultivate it? HOw do I feel it? How do I honor myself? Tom said to imagine a puppy coming into the room. Would you not feel love and adoration towards the puppy? Then try to direct this adoration toward yourself. Easier said than done. I am not sure how to do that. I want to, but how??