more tango

someone up there really wants me to dance tango. Found a partner for another tango class offered by teachers from buenos aires. So cool!

feeling sad today

feel sad today. will drop any hopes for a meeting with V. hoping to meet him and talk about the situation is making me upset and i dont feel much is going to resolve after we talk. so feel i need to mail his book to him and that will be it. Not even friends. that is a shame. I liked him so much! but he dropped me as a person and as a friend and that is what hurts me now. Somehow i need to get closure myself and move on.

I know that this is what God wanted and some time from now I will be grateful for this experience but now i am struggling to find the meaning of it. When I asked what his purpose was in my life, I get an answer that he opened my heart (which is true, I really opened up my heart to him) and that allowed me to get pregnant. So something to be grateful for.

when it rains, it pours

OK, had a good meeting with the ppl from NY. Let's see if they are interested in me, then i should hear from them next week. I am interested in the position, assuming it will hold true, but do not want to move to the states (NY). Not even temporarily. Do not feel like doing it with a tiny baby.

At the same time i am flying to CH next week for an interview and have another interview on the phone this week. Let's see what happens.
had an interview monday for a job in Lndn, but it wont go further.
No word re the project though, so maybe i was not meant to do it after all.

Oh la la part 2

Had another job interview for a job in CH. Went well. Next step is to go there to meet ppl which will happen in the next 2 weeks. Let's see. Now need to pray that i get my permit to reenter in time for this visit; otherwise am not allowed to return to the country where I am currently living.

oh la la

Ok had an interview today. The company is in NYC but there is an opportunity to stay in Europe. The main guy will be visiting here next week, so we will meet and talk. I am interested in salaries, etc. Let's see.

What I want to manifest in 2012

• Meeting my divine partner who is also my husband
• Harmonious relationships at home with A and my husband
• Total harmony, things flowing
• My home being a paradise, a fantastic place where my heart and soul relax
• Having a great view from my window – view of water
• Feeling love in my heart
• Living from my heart all the time
• Being completely happy
• Loving and receiving love
• Being able to share my affections with my daughter and my mother
• Having a job that allows me to have good balance in my life
• Having a job that brings me closer to my mission
• Being able to support myself to bring enough money to enjoy my lifestyle
• Going to Argentina to learn to dance tango and having my partner’s full support
• Losing the fears I have
• Being /feeling confident
• Having a dog
• Feeling beautiful and enjoying my beautiful face and my beautiful body
• Being surrounded by lots of good friends and support system
• Having great relationship with my future in-laws
• Apartment situation with H being resolved in a mutually satisfactory way
• Having also a deep tantric relationship with my partner/husband
• Being able to spend quality time together and enjoying each other emotionally, physically, sexually despite having a little baby
Opening my heart to him completely and him opening his heart to me completely
• Having good relationship with H and his family
• Exciting vacations together, with and without A.
• Having good, cordial and friendly relationship with A’s father.
• Perfect health for me, my mom, my baby and everyone close to me.

What I want to manifest for remainder of 2011

• Easy remainder of my pregnancy
• The rest of my pregnancy being enjoyable
• Easy ecstatic birth
• Easy delivery
• Healthy baby girl
• The project for my consultancy going well and bringing lots of money in
• Satisfied clients and me being happy working with them
• Enjoying my work
• Manifesting the right kind of help for me after A. arrives into my life
• So that I felt I still have the freedom I want to have
• Easy access to human breast milk and ability to buy it inexpensively
• Being a good mother
• Spending quality time with my child
• Have a very strong intuition and listening to it in every aspect of my life
• Having a lover with whom I can have a meaningful relationship and have fantastic sex who would take me out and take care of me, whom I really like and care about
• Having lots of supportive friends in my life
• Finding a job that brings meaning to my life
• Moving to a new country that is right for me where I feel it is our home
• Moving to a new country where people speak foreign languages so that my baby could learn to speak foreign languages
• Learning to dance tango well
• Keep enjoying dancing tango and progressing fast
• Having a reliable tango partner
• I want a lot of money coming in to support the life style I want to have
• A’s dad being involved in her life
• Having a good and adult and respectful relationship with my mother
• Becoming more organized
• Having order in my living space
• Feeling very beautiful and glowing
• Feeling that I have a perfect body
• Having perfect health and my dense hair growing back and staying there
• Having lots of help when A arrives
• My baby being perfectly healthy and happy and quiet
• Being able to get enough sleep after she arrives
• Feeling that my life is now starting (no longer in a holding pattern)
• Keeping my excitement up about tango
• Being able to dancing tango until my delivery
- Feeling hot and sexy despite having a stomach
- Losing baby fat SUPER fast in a healthy way
- Getting rock hard abs after she is born

letter to my ex-lover/ex-friend

Dear V

I wanted to write you this letter, but will not send it to you. It is too private and I do not feel I should open up to you any more. Instead, I need to close down my heart to you which I am in the process of.

I felt and feel very hurt by what happened. I felt that you made this decision not to be lovers with me, but you kept it from me for a month. This misled me. I also asked you a couple of times about that, but you denied it. Why did you deny it? You kept me hanging for an extra month.
Then you completely disappeared from my life, even as a friend. You dumped me as a person which I find so hurtful. I am completely fine with not being lovers, but being dumped as a person or as a friend is something that is difficult for me to take. I need healing from it. It highlighted the issue I have with this which I want to look into closer.

I also am very upset that you were avoiding me without telling me that you do not want to see me. That really really upset me. I do not want to be with people who want to avoid me. I do not even want to contact such people. I only want to be with people who want to spend time with me. You should have told me. I kept contacting you because I missed you and wanted to see you.

I feel sad, I miss you. I missed you this morning, I cried. I miss your presence in my life. But I need to let you go as a lover for sure and as a friend and even possibly as an acquaintance because of the way you ended this, without any closure, without an explanation. As if all we had was a one night stand and not a close relationship we did have. I need to let you go and I will.

Thank you for all the lessons you have taught me – if a man lies to a very important person in his life, what makes me feel that I am any different? Trust in a person is essential. I can see that now even more than before. I also learned to trust my intuition because it is always right even when I do not really want to listen to it. My intuition was telling me to leave you alone and stop contacting you and actually start seeing other guys, but I did not listen.

I also learned that I am a very good person, very affectionate, very open minded and will make a very good supportive partner or a wife. All I need to do is stand my ground a bit more and express what I want more.

And now, thank you and good-bye.

what i am feeling grateful for regarding my V, my ex-lover

Grateful that i felt i opened my heart to him, that i felt i could get involved with someone again, that I am ready
grateful for the good times we shared
grateful for amazing sex we had
grateful for the closeness and intimacy we had at some point
grateful that he listened to my advice, it made me feel valued
grateful for the fucking hot experience we had at a swinger's club
grateful for his support and help when i had problems with visa and when my mother disappeared
grateful for his advice and involvement in my life
grateful for his friendship while it lasted
Grateful for the experience teaching me AGAIN to fully trust my intuition
grateful for the experience teaching me that i should only get involved with single men who are emotionally available to me
Important learnings are that i really need to trust my intuition - very happy about that and grateful that my intuition is so strong and that I could clearly feel I am ready to get involved with someone seriously, so when I am really ready, the person will appear.

need to recite what i am feeling grateful for today

OK, have been feeling very sad because of my ex-lover and cried in the morning. So want to count my blessings and recount what I am grateful for in general and in my interactions with him.

In general, I am grateful for
being pregnant after years of infertility
my pregnancy being so easy and smooth (knock on wood!)
living in a gorgegous place where i live
having a fantastic view from my apt
happy to have good friends around me
grateful for my mother's support emotional and financial
grateful that i have not been working and was able to focus on being pregnant and on myself
grateful i had savings and could sustain myself
grateful i discovered tango and how happy it makes me feel
grateful i met J my baby's father who gave me the biggest gift a man can give to a woman
grateful to be able to be in a very good shape and take care of myself
grateful that i feel sexy and attractive
grateful for my perseverence and attitude towards life. I never give up
grateful for my growing intuition and my strong connection with my body
grateful for the life i managed to create for myself in this foreign country
grateful that i discovered taoist practices and that i do this tao practice every day
grateful that tango makes me feel so happy.
grateful for my health
grateful for the information i receive from my guides
grateful it is sunshine outside now - it has been a loooooong winter. :)

letter

OK, I need to write a letter (that i will not send) to my ex-lover/ex-friend. I will post it here maybe.
Also need to write down what i want to manifest in my life this year and next year. will post here as well.

hmmm

On wednesday i felt attracted to my tango partner. WTF? I did not find him attractive before, but wednesday he was so happy, was beaming. What I like about him is that he seems to be so much into tango. He is just as crazy about it as I am. Look forward to dancing with him next week!!! But how do I contain my attraction to him? Also he does not know I am pregnant. I can still hide it under my clothes.

And have sort of like a date next sunday with a guy from Germany. That will be interesting. But for now look forward to the tango filled weekend - 6 hrs tomorrow, Sat and 3 hours on Sunday. Going to tango ball Saturday hope to get good practice there too and dance with many experienced men so that I can learn from them.

To me, tango is like sex. But in sex I can express myself quite well, but in tango I feel I do not know how to express myself yet, but hopefully this will be helped a bit tomorrow at my workshop.

tango dancing

spent more than a week dancing tango. That was fucking fantastic!!!