Old Diary Entry from 21 -26 December 2006

These will be entries from the diary I started when I started talking to my Guardian Angel or my higher self. I have always wanted to post them here, and here they are. They document my slow transformation into a more enlightened, more intuitive being.

These "conversations" with the angel started after we found out that H had no viable sperm in his sample in June 2006 and in his sample from August 2006 he only had 7 sperms usable for ICSI. I was completely in dispair and was on a verge of leaving him because he would not agree to donor sperm. I was devastated and knew that any "normal" help would not be of any help. The only thing I felt would help me would be some kind of divine guidance or protection from divine powers or the universe. I wanted to get in touch with my guardian angel(s) to get guidance about what to do. At that time I had no idea that my ovaries would not respond to medication and did not grow any eggs. I found out 3 weeks later.

I went to this healer, Jakob, who taught me how to get in contact with the angel. I also bought a great book that has a few tips on how to do it. Since then I have been using this as part of my daily meditation and to get guidance from the angel frequently. He (the angel) is a tall, very thin man. I could not see him when I started meditating. I could only sense his presence, feel the cold wind touching me, but today I can see him in my mind's eye. He is very very kind and I believe that he is doing his very best helping me. When I was undergoing my inf treatments, the ones that did not work, I could feel that there was souls seeking me out and he brought a woman to introduce to me. My belief was that this woman's soul was eager to become my child. He brought her, but I did hot like her. And... nothing happened. But I digressed a little...

21 December 2006
I meditated for 18-19 minutes- tried to enter "the room" where I could connect with my angel but I could not. the door was a little open, the was bright light coming out of it through the opening between the door and the wall, but as I approached the door, it closed right in front of me and I could not open it.
That day I asked if I should go to NY to Cornell Reproductive Center to be treated for infertility. A colleague told me that they create miracles there and have 60 %-70 % efficacy rates from one cycle. I asked if I should go to NY to be treated. Then I got an email -junk email with a title No. I took it as a sign that I should not go to NY to be treated. Then I got another junk email with Yes in the title.

Then I saw a child on the street with Down's syndrome. ???
I also asked the angel if the most recent H's sperm test would be usable and also what would happen with my own treatment. The answers I got were that his results would be ok but there would be something wrong with me.
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H's sperm test turned out to be 10 mil, after cleaning 5 mil. And I did not respond to 350 iu of Puregon (a high dose). I had one tiny follie 8 mm after a week of injections.

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December 22 2006

I meditated for 19 minutes. Tired to get into the "room" on the way comforting and healing baby me (who was about 7-8 years old). It was very touching. I sensed my own dispair as a child. The little me was deeply deeply unhappy. It touched me. (Why was I such an unhappy child at that age? Why was I in such pain?) I got into the room, opened the door, walked in, asked questions. It appears that I will have a child but somehow I saw the word adoption????? I am not 100 % convinced. I also have a good feeling about my current inf clinic.

Let's see if the predictions come true regarding my next appointment on 3 Jan (Comment: I was supposed to start my stims -Puregon). I get answer yes regarding starting treatment but somhow it feels heavy. Something is wrong. I also planned to travel home to the states in March but did not want to plan anything because if the treatment in January did not work, I would have another cycle in March. Somehow I got this sense that it is ok for me to schedule my trip to go home in March - but why? (Comment: we were planning to have another cycle in March but the stupid doctor ended up cancelling it).

Another comment: When I picked up Puregon at the pharmacy, when I saw the box, my heart sunk, I had a bad feeling. It was so bad that I almost called the doctor to ask him to change my medication, but I did not. This doctor is the best in this little shitty kingdom.

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23-26 December 2006
Meditation was 15-18 min during these days. On the 25th meditation was about 10 min at H's parents home. A few things I noticed:
I am much calmer inside. I was able to talk to his sister without reacting to her. She asked, H told me you are interested in meditation". Instead of her being able to provoke me like in the past, I asked H if he said anything about that. And he said no.

Something else I noticed - I am sure that something will come my way. I am sure that things will work out in the end.

I did not have any particular predictions but I am sure things will be ok. Tomorrow I will meditate 25 minutes and see how I feel.
Today I also had an idea about zonetherapy clinic. I want to look into this and try it to see what I think about it. Next step is to find out how long is education to become a zonetherapist.