Not in a good state of mind at the moment

I am not in a good state of mind at the moment. I am sad about H and me. I love him so much but feel that it is our time to say good byes. I am realizing that it is not him who is a bad guy who cannot return to me or cannot pay for me to come to Germany. It is just how the circumstances are. He is a wonderful guy, so sweet and I love him so much. I love him dearly. He is my friend, lover and a confidant.
But I feel I am spending a lot of energy to heal myself and it is my focus right now. I need to nurse myself back to health, whatever it takes. I cried yesterday to my mother. Not about loosing but about being alone, not having a family, moving to this shitty country for him and being alone in the end. And on top of it, being sick. I cried and cried. Today I cried because the prospective pain of loosing him set in. I cried and screamed like a wounded animal but I feel it is something I MUST do, let him go. Maybe in May.