babies

I spoke with my dearest friend L on the phone and she asked me about my plans for babies. I said to hear I do not care about babies right now. She said that many people who stopped trying get pregnant. I said I really don't care. My first priority right now is my well being - to take care of myself, my body, my spirit, to keep my mind sane and try not to think but instead fantasize about the unlimited possibilities of the future. I want to spend time loving myself and inspiring myself and bringing myself to the point where I am happy. I honestly cannot even think about babies, my DE plans are now on hold until who knows when?
My other priority is to get my career back on track. It got really messed up by 3 years of working at my current shitty job. Especially the last year and a half have been very bad, for my soul and my self-esteem. I am now getting cramps in my stomach as some thoughts about my current job entered my mind. Ouch!!

I feel that somehow I need to drop everything and move with H to Germany NOW, but I can't do it. I feel that my left part of the brain wants the move to be smart, with a job and with some money. I have a lot of debt due to the failed infertility treatment, so need to pay that out first.