donor egg discussion with H

Today H told me that we need to proceed with donor egg thing. He said we better get our things together and go to Czech republic to get this thing done.

But I cannot do it now, I am feeling so sick. I need to first get better.
I also gave him an ultimatum that either he returns from Germany ASAP or I am going to leave him. So he said that if he doesnt find anything by the end of the year, he will quit and move back wiithout a job.

long time no post

Long time no post. I can see that my attempt to get a child is now on hold as I am taking care of my health and do not care now so much if i get a child or not. So I started a new blog to describe only my Russian experiences, "I blog about Russia".

Russia and other things

Asked what I should do in Russia during my upcoming trip. I need to meet with Victoria (not sure if there is a person by this name, need to check). What about J.V.? She will not be available. Who else should I meet with on Wednesday? KK, O, What about I.Leon? Yes, an intro meeting is important.
I need to send him the questions.
I also need to meet with the regulatory.
I need to sit next to I.Sup at dinner.
What should I talk about? Focus on anothere. Speak Russian as much as you can.

Any advice for me? Be yourself. Be open, be watchful, something good will happen. It will be a surprize, completely unexpected. what's my purpose for going there? A child and a husband who love you. WIll I meet the husband next week? No, not just yet. You have to wait until your next visit in November. Am I going to Russia again? Yes, my dear. When? November. And then? YOu will move to Russia. Why? Love. Real love. With whom? WIth a child. A child is calling you. Bringing you and the father together. What do I need to do to help this process? Do nothing, you are being helped. The road is straight and unabstracted. Nothing can go wrong. What will happen with Russia? you will be invited again. Will I move there? Yes, next year.

went to Tom

I went to my teacher, Tom, on 10.September. I asked why do I have health problems. He said I have tightness in the system, too much thinking/worry. Drained the system. My immune system is low (which is true). I have stresssed my body.
I am not true to my soul, what is it that my soul wants?

I need to learn how to say no, people should not cross my boundary. I am the center of the universe but did not learn to prioritize myself.

I have grown and H did not grow as much. I want to stand up, do not want to be a little girl. Want to be myself, but am pushed to be a little girl with him. Somehow if I am strong, he is no longer needed.
He said I am loyal to him, too loyal, I need to be loyal to myself. I need love. I need to find out what I want 100 % and be in that.
Then he said something about a white knight but not that he saw that a white knight would rescuce me but that if he did come to rescue me I would not have recognized him. I need to flirt a little and see how it feels. Forget my being loyal, this comes from the ego, be loyal to me first and then loyal to others.

no time to write

A lot of things happening, but not so many time to write. I am now focusing on Russia, I believe it is leading me towards my child.

I will need to transcribe all info about Russia into one post. I will do that.

On antother note, I have been diagnosed with vitamin D deficiency and I feel like shit. Really. So this was also the reason why I havent posted much.

Going to Moscow - I have been invited, the company arranged the meeting for me as I predicted in 3rd week of September. Let's see.

23 July 08, notes from the angels

Should I apply for the two jobs? Yes you should go for it? You will get better by then (health wise). Will I get these jobs? No. The job with Russia will appear, wait for that. Late this year/early next year. You will move in March. Move where? Abroad. What should I focus on at work? T., my colleague.

22 July 08, Notes from the angels

You should go to Russia on 26 August. Why? Destiny. Set up meetings -with O and consultants.
Go there for 3 days. Email O.
Should I apply for ass'te dir job? No you should wait. Get M's job.

21 July 08, notes

Leave them, y child. Do not argue, do not. Simply say what you feel.
Should I have dinner with his sister? No. Should I call her and discuss what happened? Yes. What should say? Ask questions - what questions? Why? Why do you do this if nobody asked you for your help? What should I do about his mother? Drop sagen. Should I call her? Yes What should I say - you are upset you are not treated like a family -being sick I would like them to see some concern about me.
Ask about clairvoyance and tarot, but do not pushy, say she has not your permission to do it.

What should do with H? Love him. Show him the love. what should I do this weekend with him (I am going to visit him today through Tuesday the 29,7)? Love him. He loves you. Show him the love. Enjoy him. I it is his birthday. Anything specific I need to do? Hold hands and go for a walk. How does this relate to my decision today (leaving his family since they have bad vibes. I decided I do not want them in my life). You will find out in due time.

21 July 08, notes from the angels

Things are on the way to bring me my baby. Soon. this year. You must go to Russia this summer. Your current company will arrange this meeting. Should go end of August. You will arrange the meeting and the rest will fall into place.

14 July 2008, notes

I am sad, scared, frustrated, feel of irritation toward myself. I feel a lot of blame. Why cant I be normal?
What should I do to stop my hair from falling out? Go see a doctor. What should I do? Call a doctor.
What about pregnancy? Put it on hold. How long? A few months. Focus on yourself, love yourself. What about H? Leave him. What about Russia? What about a child?
What should I ask at the doctors? Blood test, hormones.

12 July 2008, after reading Fertile Female

Who is the fertile female inside of me? What does the ultimate mother insdie me look like?

11 July 2008, notes from someone (not angels)

M Should I stay here in this country?
A No,
M Should I stay here?
A No. Leave as soon as possible. It is bad for you. BAD!
M In what way is it bad?
A Toxic, toxic, poisons you.
M When should I leave?
A Now.
M Will I leave?
A Yes, soon, 6 months
M What is toxic?
A Water in area where you live. Move to F'holm (where I have an apartment)
M When
A Now.
M Will I move to Fholm?
A Yes. When H returns in September
M Will we sell Fholm?
A Yes

10 July 2008, notes

This week, Tues, I started sleeping. It has been 3 days and it feels good. The hair has been falling out like crazy, however. I must start using rogaine, at least on the right side of my head. Unfortunately, I have to wait 3 weeks for that. Have burning in my vagina too.
I started the acupuncture on Tuesday, together with the tea (note - the tea does nothing)

10 July 2008, notes from Angels

M How am I doing?
A Better. Your sleep is the key! Sleep, sleep, sleep.
M Should I have slept more today
A Yes, 30 min longer would be ideal.
M What else do I need to do for my health?
A You are on the right path. Please continue. Put up the curtains and it will improve more
M What about my hair?
A It will regrow
M When will it stop fall out so much?
A In 6 months (my note which is in Jan 09)
M Should I use Rogaine
A Yes
M For how long?
A For now. Use it on the half of your head, on the right side.
M What about later?
A You will see

M Should I buy HairMaxx?
A No
M Why not?
A You will not need it.
M What about jobs at the department?
A Read job descriptions and then decide. Get M's job.
M What should I focus on for now?
A The model. Get it right.
M What should I focus on later?
A Price and Russia
M Should I move to Russia?
A Yes, later on you will move there
M For now long
A Permanently
M Should I work with Russia at my current co.?
A Yes, that's a start. Schedule a meeting with O, the Russian colleague.
M What about H and his current job?
A He will be fired in 1-2 months (note August-September)
M When will he return?
A Aug or Sept.
M What about job at XXX (the company where he interviewed- my note)?
A He will get it if he wants it, but he will not get it.
M Will he get it?
A No.
M Will he move back for a job?
A No
M What about me and H what will happen?
A You will separate (Note I do not know why in my diary I crossed out " he will move, you will stay)
M Can I know more?
A Not at this moment. Enjoy him.

Message for H (done before our holiday, about 1st week of June)

M What should H do?
A get out of here. It will be hard for him.
M Should he leave now/resign?
A No he should wait for the package. GET THE PACKAGE! Do not leave without a package. He will be alright. Drag out the time. It's the matter of weeks/month. Things will be clear in the next month or two.
M What should he do with his boss, the butcher?
A Do not give in. Be gracious, be firm. Listen. Do not argue. Do not justify yourslef. Tell him what you want. Butcher will fire him.
M. When?
A In 3 months. (my comment - this takes us into August or September)
M Then what?
A he will return home, but will leave soon for the job.
M When will he return?
A In August.
M When will he leave again?
A Later.
M When will the next job come?
A Soon. A good job, he will be happy.
M What should he do now with butcher?
A Do not criticize. Be firm, do not give in, tell him what you want.

Sick - and hair is falling out

I am still very sick, having terrible problems falling asleep. However, I am trying hypnosis and it is really helping to fall back asleep. My hair is falling out like crazy and I am pretty sure it is due to sleep deprivation.

Posts from El Camino, 29.6.08

And today we are flying home, this evening at 5 pm. I will be home after midnight. I cannot wait to get out. Santiago is a tourist trap, a place where you can only shop and eat. The cathedral was interesting and I will describe my experience there separately.

Posts from El Camino, 22.6.08

It was a very hard day yesterday. We walked to Melide, about 23 km. It was hard, my body was so tired, I felt sick. H did not want to walk, he had pain in his hip, but he made it. We saw a cat on the way, with its two legs being run over by a car. Terrible. It could not walk, was suffering and screaming in pain. I wish we could take him to a vet, but how and where?

Today we stayed in Melide an extra day. Really needed it. Slept until 9 am and then after breakfast until 2 pm. On the other hand, my hair has been falling out like crazy during this trip. (note 29.6.08 - this hairloss now is a big concern as the hair is still falling out, A LOT).

Then I channeled some info. I asked this question, "How do I feel here?" (B)
A: Very very very unhappy.
B Why?
A The company, the place, the hardships. It needs to end soon. Needs to end ASAP. Go home, go home, go home NOW.
B What about finishing the trip?
A Go HOME! Need to be there. Leave, leave, leave, leave, need to be home now.
B Can I rest in Santiago?
A Only take cabs, buses, do not walk.Do not strain yourself.
B Wgat about walking to Arzua? (which is the next stop)
A Take a bus after Arzua. Go home, go home, leave, leave, leave.
B What should I do about my job?
A Go to Russia, deal with Russia
B Whaty should I do about my hair?
A Rogaine, go to Dr, check hormones, rest, sleep.

Posts from El Camino, 20.6.08

Yesterday there was a game Germany-Portugal. My "friend" told me that Ger will win and they did. I should start gambling a little bit. I thought the score would be 3:1, but it was 3:2. Today was a hard day again. I walked approximately 17.3-17.4 km from Portomarin to Airexa. I can see that it´s getting easier to walk. I noticed that I needed to eat a bocadillo around 10-10:30 to keep up my energy level, but today in addition to bocadillo, I had a desert, a flan. This flan really kick started me. I had a huge burst of energy and went well ahead of the others I was following and could not catch up with. THe road went jup and down, it went up a lot, actually, the sun was merciless. I could see that my muscles are not so tired as before, but it is the heat that I cannot tolerate.

It was also interesting to walk alone today, H took a cab and we agreed where we were going to meet. I was daydreaming more, and it also feels a bit lonely, but also freeing to walk alone. I was glad to see him.

Today I realized what the Camino trip is about. To some, it is about pushing yourslef, to others it is about walking, to others it is about losing weight. I can be about anything one wants it to be. First I wanted to push myself to see if I can overcome myself, my body, my physical limitations, and I can. However, today I noticed that my feet are swollen, my hands and fingers are swollen. I had a vision of my body as something that is really bleeding; it hasmany open wounds. I do not think now that this Camino experience is good for my body. This constant pushing myself and constant consumption of fried and junk food is not good for me. My back is tired to carry the backpack, my feet hurt in the new shoes. I am enjoying my new sandals, however, although they are not as green as before, but dusty, very dusty.

Yesterday, the place wehre we stayed, O´Mirador, was not great. NOt so clean, the beds were too close to each other, there was not enough space in the room for 4 of us. To add to this, the French or Swiss French? people were nosiy and two of them snored in a choris at night so loud that I could hear them, despite my earplugs. H told me that it was me who snored so loudly but I could not believe it.

The road today went through a very beautiful forest, but I was so busy pushing myself that I did not notice much of the surrounding. It is a shame.

Posts from El Camino, 19.6 about 18.6.08

Yesterday we went to Serria from Triacastela, the day before, 17.6.08, we actually planned to walk to Samos from Alto do Poio. We stopped in Triacastela for lunch, and after menu del dia, I really felt I could not walk any more. I said nothing to H. We passed the city, started walking on the freeway, him in front of me, and then suddenly when I wanted to ask him to return t Triacastela, he turned to me and said that somebody is pulling his backpack back, as if trying to stop him from walking. Then I said that we should return. So we returned to Triacastela, a lively city, with restaurants and lots of people on the streets. So nice, it felt like a resort, in the middle of this hard and strenuous experience. The feeling of a resort town was nice, but somehow it felt a bit out of place here.

Yet they also had 2 matches -EuroCup - Russia -Sweden and Spain against Greece. Myt prediction about Russia winning was right, yet my prediction about Greece winning was not right. Still I insist it will be Spain who will win this championship. (Note 29.6.08 before Eurocup started, I predicted that Spain will win. The final game is today, let´s see).

Posts from Santiago de Compostela, 19.6.08

A few missed days, did not feel like writing, Today during the trip from Sarria to Portomarin, H had a lot of pain in his hips. We had to walk about 3 km to a bar in Serria county and take a cab to Portomarin. Portomarin is approximately 99 km to Santiago, or so I heard from someone today. I did not check the distance on the map to verify. A big lesson here, during this trip, is to be in the now, walk, enjoy the walk, enjoy the perseverence, yet at the same time, to listen to my body. You learn to think only a few km´s ahead, and not plan too much for tomorrow or day after tomorrow, etc. The state of your mind and also the state of your legs determine where you will end up. Such a lesson to learn for "real" life after the Camino.

The road today went up and down, we passed a forest and some villages that smelled of cow shit. There were lots of loose dogs, I was quite scared. I was also a bit upset that H could not walk today, I was not sure what to do, should I walk the distance- I felt up to it or should I take the cab with him? I asked my advisor and he said "go with him". So I did. We arrived to a private refugio, O´Mirador. It is packed wiht people, lots of Germans. I see the same Germans, a girl from Cologne, 2 women from another hostel where we stayed, an older german couple in their 60´s who walked from the French border.

I was also a bit upset, I "needed" this exercise, so I went for a short walk around the refugio. We´re next to a lake, so I crossed a small bridge we are going to cross tomorrow.

I convinced H to ship some of our things poste restante to Santiago - we sent 6.1 kg, mostly his stuff. Hew also bought 2 walking sticks, I hope they help with his hip. I walked in my new shoes, cute sandals made by Teva. I bought them yesterday in Serria and paid 80 Euro. I loved them. They are green and look like animal paws. So comfy! I was looking forward to walking in them, but htis has to wait until tomorrow.

Posts from Santiago de Compostela, 14.6.08

Today the real tour started. We could not get out of Ponferrada by walking out of the city, but by chance were guided to a bus stop with a bus that took us to the next village, so we "saved" 4.8 km. Then the walk began. It was hard. The path went up and the sun was up there and it was hot and hard. As I walked, I got a message from the owl that said that a surprize is waiting for me in Santiago. Let´s see (note 29.6.08, not sure what the surprize was, maybe that I will not like Santiago which actually did surprize me how much I hated being here. It was unbearable). My bag is so heavy, it is about 10 kg (note 29.6.08 - we shipped 6 kg to Santiago poste restante, so it got a bit easier). Somewhere during the last 3 im, it became easier for me to walk.The path still went up, but it was no longer as hard.

i realized i have not posted for a while

I realized I have not posted for a while.
I am now in Santiago, after walking almost 200 km, tomorrow is the last day that we have to walk 5 km. It was a horrendous trip. I am so miserable. I cannot wait to go home.
It was real suffering, both physical and emotional. Get me the fuck outa here! But tomorrow is the last day of walking and then it is the end of it on Sunday when I am flying home, Thank God!

Conversations with the Owl

I asked yesterday what will happen tomorrow wrt J and the company things.
Owl: Nothing, You did your part, now it is your turn to rest and do nothing. The right people will come/approach you. Just wait and see.
Me: How long shouldd I wait?
O: A month or so
M: will something else happen tomorrow?
O Relax and enjoy. See above.
M: what about hte love of a child?
O yes its the child you were meant to have. Just wait and it will come. A great love of your life.
M Is it a man?
O No it is your child. It will be a surprize. You will be surprized.
M How is it related to RUssia?
O Just wait and see. Wait a month and things will be more clear.
M What will happen in a month
O Be patient

I was told that my mission for this trip is now completed. I need to enjoy.

M what is the purpose of J
O business, will help you will your goals. He can help you get here and achiee your goals. He can help you that/get you here.
M when?
O in two years you will move to Moscow.

The owl keeps telling me to relax. That things will now come themselves. Things like the love of a child.

Kazan' cathedral

I went to the Kazan' cathedral, the acting cathedral in the center of St. Petersburg. Well, when I approached the entrance, I saw women were putting something on their heads to cover them. I had nothing I could cover my head with. So immediately I felt resistance and did not want to go in, but I did. When I entered, I felt like I was not supposed to be here.

I really felt that I had to leave. But I still resisted, then suddenly I saw a vision of JC on the cross, who was showing me a finger pointing to the door. I did not believe I actually saw this, but then I saw it again: he was very persistant. I left after that.