Decisions, decisions

As of this weekend, I decided that I have to go to Prague in May regardless of how my body feels. I feel a little guilty making myself to go through this now.

I have visions of my body with tears of blood when I think about this cycle that I am pushing myself to start in May. An indication that I probably should not do this now, huh? But I also think that perhaps I have resistance because I am resisting knowing the truth - will my body respond to the meds this time or not? Imagine, I could in principle know in 2 weeks whether or not I made any eggs like a good chicken.

If I did not make any eggs, the journey with my own eggs would be over and it would mean no genetic child for me. I will have to open myself for enormous pain, feel it consuming me, feel its immensity, feel it in my heart, in my whole body, mourn that lost child. My genetic baby, created by my genes with my pure Jewish blood not mixed with any other blood for the past 200 years. Our "Mutant" baby, not to be...

My Jewish ancestors, the geniuses in my family with all sorts of talents, the people I love so dearly even though most of them are already gone whom I will never ever forget -grandma Schprintza, my dedun Avram, papashka, mamashka, baba Masha - lost forever in my genetic child I will not have. All that Eastern European Yiddishkite culture gone forever, with me being the last one to appreciate it, to know about it, to feel the nostalgia and sadness when hearing Yiddish, the last one in my family with a Jewish soul...

I am convinced that a part of me will always miss seeing my loved ones when looking at my DE baby face (if I am so lucky to have a child through egg donation). I am getting very sad again and I am typing this at work. The tears are starting to pour, I hope noone decides to walk into my office now.

If my own IVF does not work, perhaps I should have a ritual of burial of (lost hopes). I hope it could help me move on.

I am a bit conflicted about the vision of my body crying. I am also waiting for my Aunt Flow to arrive. I have been spotting for 2 days but still no blood. If it is not bright red, my doctor does not consider it to be a day 1 of the cycle. So I have to wait a day more (i hope no more than one day). I have to buy tickets to fly to Prague so the more notice I have, the better.

I asked Tom yesterday which road I should take (DE vs my own eggs). He told me that I need to be honest with myself and listen to myself and this would be the right road. Since I have always sensed that my eggs are no good, it doesn't matter if I travel to Prague in May or in June. I just need to know the answer and I am making myself find out NOW.