Still positive

Today I woke up at 3:30 to pee on a stick and again so a second line. I was a bit concerned that it was still faint. The amount of HCG in urine should have increased so the line should have been darker.

But in any case, here it is. I need to find a doctor next week for an ultrasound and a beta test.

positive pregnancy test?

I just peed on a stick and saw a faint second line. What the fuck! I could not believe my eyes!!! Ok, lets recap I was there vising H in Germany on 24 August, I was not sure if it was my ovulation day or not. We had sex and now my period is 7 days late, and then I feel sort of hormonal and weird so I thought I should pee on a stick. So I did and there was a second line. I could not believe it at first it was so faint. So tomorrow I am going to pee again. If it is positive I am going to see a doctor on Monday or Tuesday. Ouch!! What the hell is going on!

I just paid for my angel course!

angel healing and weight loss

My friend H is coming next week. I want to experiment to see if I can help her lose weight with my healing. It is going to be a lot of drawing for her and sending love to her whole body. Well, let's see.

I also did angel healing for the first time with H last week. It was absolutely fantastic! His physical pain has disappeared. I could feel that it was something related to his fear and he did not want to let go of his fear. But it went so well, I asked for help to conduct this healing, and give him the healing that he needs and I was guided all the way during the healing. I had no idea what I was going to do next but the effect was really really wonderful

what I asked for today

I went to this seminar talking to Angels. I thought we would learn healing with angels but it did not happen. Instead, I asked the angels for a baby and a family. I know they will deliver.

H is not liking his job in Germany so he is thinking of returning back here.

From my new friend, the Summer Butterfly

This is from my new friend, the summer butterfly who gave me guidance what I have to do to sell my apartment - which is ask the angels for help.

It is amazing that we discovered that I am a winter butterfly. that is why I see myself as a white butterfly and get so happy when I see the snow. The color white is somehow important to me. But here it is - my prayer to angels.

Thank you dear Angels to help me sell my apartment in Sluseholmen for 2.9 million, so that everyone is happy. I am very happy, H is very happy and the buyer is also very happy as it is the perfect apartment, with a great view and a very good investment for him. I am ready to let go of fears and worries about my finances. This apartment is gone from my life forever. Please, dear angels, help me with this and support me in my future. Help me live in the present time and alleviate all of my concerns about money and finances.

Well today I have an open house, and did a card reading on that. The card I pulled out, said Go For It. Let's see.

Butterflies

It is an amazing twist of fate as I met another butterfly on the internet through the angel course I enrolled into.

There are too many coincidences, this emailing has been a hair raising experience for me.

I see myself as a white butterfly flying from flower to flower collecting nectar.

Angel cards again

When I do my angel card reading, they do show that I will have a new partner and I keep getting this card saying "marriage".

In the meantime I need to find a healer to help me deal with lots of anger issues towards my father. This anger is suffocating me. I did not know about it until recently but thank God I got in touch with it during my healing session.

Previous post and other things

I just read my previous post and saw that I said that I will put this baby apartment for sale. Why did I say baby apartment? It is a typo but why did I use the word baby?

A few things: a woman contacted me with some questions because of my blog. I was so pleased that I could help her. I also felt it was a sign. I asked a question some time ago whether I can really help people. And this was a sign that I could. But something is blocking me, I am not able to start somehow. D. offered to help me look what is blocking me to start helping people for real. I did not ask her to do it, but I was asking myself why is it that I have stopped preparing for the launch of my own business. And here I was talking to D. about this block and she offered to help even though I did not ask her for help. We hated each other some time ago, but now I can see her beautiful spirit. When she offered to help I felt a bit strange because I did not ask her about it, but then I thought that this is a gift she is offering and I should accept her gift and be grateful. So next saturday we are going to chat.

I also feel that I need to do two things: one is change the message on the asnwering machine since H. moved out. Another one I should buy a healing bed. I am also having resistance to enroll in a psychotherapy class. I feel that I want some more alternative training. I feel that I should enroll in a clarvoyant class instead. I will try to find out about Maya F. course. I really liked her but do not know if she would accept me. I will more about this course. In the mean time, I am going to this angel healing course in 2 weeks. Let's see what comes out from there. I really want to communicate with angels and the divine and not with the spirits that passed on.

I also had some Q&A with myself while M. was sending me distant healing. All of a sudden in the last 10 mins of healing I felt that my 3rd eye really opened. I felt that I was super clarvoyant in those 10 minutes. I asked about H, whether we are going to stay together. All the answers to my questions were very clear, unlike normally the answers are a bit blurred. the answer was no. I asked when are we going to separate. The answer was soon. I asked why. The answer was that there would be someone else. I asked who would it be that would find someone else. The answer was that it would be me. I felt sad and asked if it is a good thing that we are separating. the answer I got was yes. I also spoke to M. about her experience of sending me distant healing. She said that when she touched my jaw, she had a feeling of love coming into my life. Love with a younger man. That there would be love on both sides. Maria I believe is a very good clarvoyant. Let us see what happens. I told her that H. is younger than me, but there is no love there any more.

In the meantime I really want to sell the apartment. I have been asking for divine help to help me do it every day.

angel cards

I am now into these angel oracle cards. It is amazing how accurate they are. I asked about my job and got a message that it is time to go. I asked about a baby and a card fell out of the deck entitled Child. I also asked today about our apartment situation - our tenant announced that she is moving out as of TODAY. The cards said that it was a perfect timing. Now I am going to put this baby apartment on the market and try to sell it.

I signed up for the ATP course

I signed up for the ATP course in Kona, HII after long deliberation. As soon as I sent them an email I felt a tingling sensation all over my body. Amazing!

and so he left

And so he left. We drove to Germany last Friday and I flew back this morning. That's it. He is gone.
Where did our love go? What happened to it? I think it got killed among all the casual aspects of living together combined with infertility. He also told me that he doesn't want to have a DE child. With the relationship not moving forward (but rather moving backward) what should I do? What should I do? Where is the progress? All I can see is that we cannot live together. Our habits are not compatible and we do not have the same goals in life.

Well, let's see. He is back in two weeks. We will chat.

On to the more real things and madonna from Candelaria

In my "real" life, H is moving to Germany on the 20th July. I have two job interviews in Germany next week. It is crazily busy for me. Going on vacation Friday - crazy! It is a mess at home, I really want him to move out. I need time to digest things and to be alone for now as a lot of unusual things are happening to me that cannot be explained in rational way, like my experience with the madonna in a church in Candelaria, for example. I asked Madonna for a baby and immediately had a vision of her having a child and handing it to me and I took the baby from her. It was insane! What was even more insane was that I felt the connection with her. I connected with her heart to heart.
I need to accept what I am seeing and experiencing and digest these experiences and move on.
I am going to give an ad to advertise my new business in early August. Very excited!
Also thinking about the DE thing. Maybe will do it in November. Let's see. I have to decide by the end of August. I hope the madonna vision was right and I will get my baby if it was meant to be for me.

I am an angel

I was on the plane when i realized I was an angel. Once I realized that, I needed confirmation. I asked for a sign of confirmation that this is real. I also realized that the logo for my business must have angel wings. I first went on the internet to google angel wings. I got a book about angel healing. I thought what kind of angel am I if I do not know about angel healing. So I book marked a book or two on amazon.com. Then in my healing class, I talked about feeling my angelic essense. The next day I found 3 books on the shelf in the hallway about angel therapy. I asked who brought these books and it was my classmate who brought the books for me! These were exactly the books that I was looking on the internet. This was the confirmation I was looking for. But then I asked for a second confirmation that this was real.
That day in class we visualized and imagined who we really are. I saw an image of myself as a butterfly. When I came home I saw a huge butterfly sitting on the window of my living room. I took it as a second confirmation of the reality of my experience. Every possible door or window were closed. I do not know how the butterfly got in. But yet I needed another confirmation that I was an angel and that the experience was real.

Then I went to J, the healer to talk about my experience. I need to validate it, otherwise i am very confused about what is happening to me now. After leaving him, I noticed that the name of the street where I parked my car and it was (translated) Angelplace street. I took it as a third confirmation. Then I read the books by Doreen Virtue, who wrote about Angel Therapy. I am planning to take a course to learn about Angel Therapy. I want to use it with my clients.

babies

I spoke with my dearest friend L on the phone and she asked me about my plans for babies. I said to hear I do not care about babies right now. She said that many people who stopped trying get pregnant. I said I really don't care. My first priority right now is my well being - to take care of myself, my body, my spirit, to keep my mind sane and try not to think but instead fantasize about the unlimited possibilities of the future. I want to spend time loving myself and inspiring myself and bringing myself to the point where I am happy. I honestly cannot even think about babies, my DE plans are now on hold until who knows when?
My other priority is to get my career back on track. It got really messed up by 3 years of working at my current shitty job. Especially the last year and a half have been very bad, for my soul and my self-esteem. I am now getting cramps in my stomach as some thoughts about my current job entered my mind. Ouch!!

I feel that somehow I need to drop everything and move with H to Germany NOW, but I can't do it. I feel that my left part of the brain wants the move to be smart, with a job and with some money. I have a lot of debt due to the failed infertility treatment, so need to pay that out first.

All these job applications

I have some many circulating job applications, one in Germany, another one I am applying for is also in Germany, and one here. I am also grippling with my shitty job that is slowly killing me. I really feel that I need to hang in my letter of resignation. But I am scared not to have an income. Now my income is very large, and will remain so until September. So the plan is to stay there until September if I can stay there or find another job locally that would keep me here until end of the year.

so much is going on!

So many things are going on. H got a job offer in Germany, so he is moving there in July. I am moving there too but a bit later. I am so happy I can quit my stupid job now!!!

I am learning to distant heal, met with a fashion consultant to help me express who I really am. All is good.

Do not feel like going through the DE thing now. I also have until 16 June to love myself and see if a decision comes about it. If it doesn't, I have to keep loving myself until a decision comes.

I will also post an update about my business next time.

sick and tired of my job

I am sick and tired of this stupid brainless job I have. I have to deal with very boring people - they bore me to death - yawn, yawn!

I can't wait to start working with marketing people again.

My vision of inner me and realizations

I saw a radiant, beautiful confident inner me today during my meditation. It was a divine creature, blessed by G-d. I had a silver dress, was walking on a runway like a model. I had a lot of confidence and radiated from the inside. I realized that I started the process of becoming this radiant being on the outside too. This is what I am moving towards.

I am also meeting with my fashion consultant next Thursday.We are going to discuss what would work for me and then go shopping! I hope we can find stuff.

Today during my meditation I realized that before I mother a child, I need to be my own mother, giving myself unconditional love. I need it. I also felt unconditional love for myself today during my meditation.

When I became initiated into the 2nd Reiki II,I felt very present. I noticed everything, sounds, smells, my surroundings. For the first time I noticed that there was a tree growing in the hallway at the Institute. The tree looked a little fragile and it was a little tree. I realized that this tree is a metaphor of myself - before my growth started, I was a little dry lifeless seed planted in the ground, and now I am this tree. I had a feeling of WOW; look at how much I have grown (spiritually)! I feel that I am meant to grow much much more into much bigger tree than I am today but I need to be careful and take care and protect the tree I am now - it is fragile, it needs a lot of nourishment, love, water and protection.

Visions from today - 26.5.07

During the energy circle, out of nowhere I had a vision of a little angel - Cherub - kissing me on the lips. It was so nice, sweet and innocent, and touching. I had a feeling of love and gentleness towards me during this kiss.

I liked it so much that I wanted him to kiss me again. We kissed each other a few times - it was so sweet, like a kiss from an innocent child. It made me smile and I almost burst into laughter. I had tears of happiness in my eyes. I had a feeling that it could have been the child I have lost at 3 weeks in February 2006 or perhaps it was my unborn child.

I remember how I kissed my mom on the lips when I was a child, she first smiled and then it made her laugh. So touchy. We had a name for it, but it is not translatable into English.

What I have learned

This weekend I am taking more courses from the Institute where I am studying healing. This is what the teacher said yesterday that was important. She said to let go of the scales that we grew to protect ourselves, scales that are our false facade. Then who we really are will emerge. We just need to provide a safe environment for this real "us" to let this part of us grow.

What I learned since the last course:
I want to connect my body, my mind, heart and my spirit, to integrate them. Then instead of pulling me in different directions, they will take me in the direction that is right for me.

I decided to stop abusing my body by making it do things it doesn't want to do. I want to stop pushing myself hard when I am out of breath and need rest and relaxation and time for reflection: If it appears like I am doing nothing; I want to stop pushing myself to do something because this is my reflection time.

I decided to start healing people and charge them for my time.

I was dizzy after my initiation into Reiki II -Sei He Ki.

H is negotiating for a job

H is supposed to fly out to Germany to negotiate a job. He is afraid to leave everything behind. I do not think he is going to do it. I think I will lose respect for him if he does not do it. Is laying on the coach and being unemployed better? Shape up dude, I am tired of being the money maker in here. I need a break from that. I planned to move with him and take a short break from working. But I do not think he will do it.

I am already disappointed.

This adorable little girl

I promised to love myself for one month before making any decisions about anything.

Here is the thing - I was able to see who is it who is crying inside me. It was me age 7 or 8 or 9, I recognized my age because at that age my hair was braided - I had a braid on the right and a braid on the left. I saw myself crying because at that age I witnessed a huge argument between my dad and my grandma Schuka. Everyone in the family gathered in the bedroom and those two started arguing. My grandmother was furious (why?) and grabbed my dad's ears and plunged her nails inside his skin breaking it. My dad just pushed her a little aside which resulted in him breaking her arm (she had very brittle bones). As they were arguing, my mother was screaming also and my grandpa was also screaming. I was crying, it traumatized me so much to this day!

I did not realize how much it traumatized me. So in my vision, I went into this room and removed the little me from this madness into the living room. We laid down on the sofa together, and I was holding this little girl who was hugging me. She so much needed love from her mother!! I am not her mother, but all I could do is to hold her to make her feel loved. We stayed like this for 10 minutes, then it was time for me to end this part of meditation and to connect to my G.A. instead. But the little girl just would not let me go, and I could not abandon her. I felt she needed me. As we laid there, I could feel how much love she has for me. She loves me so much! I have allowed myself to let this love into my heart and felt it and it moved me incredibly, I started crying. I have tears in my eyes now still, 2 days after this vision as I think about it. Yesterday I described this to H and could not hold back my tears.

I stayed with this little girl, she was holding me, I was holding her and without letting her go, I connected with my G.A.

I feel these "loving myself" experiences are very good for me.

A morning of predictions

Yey! I hired myself a creative coach which is someone who will help me express myself in my clothing better. I need it to realize my vision of me as a healer. We are meeting next thursday - I am so excited.

But... today was a morning of questions and answers. I asked these questions - if I should be with H and got an answer of no.If I am going to lose my current job and the answer was yes. I asked when and the answer was 3 months. I asked if I should try to get a job with my current company in Switzerland and the answer was no. I asked what I should do with myself and the answer was START HEALING!

I tried to ask what country I am moving to next but I could not get an answer. I asked if I should take next seminar given by T. Page and the answer was Yes. There were a few more but I just can't remember them now. Yikes! H also said that in 3 months and a few weeks my job will change somehow.

a couple of things and T. Page

A few things that I want to mention quickly before I forget. I asked my G.A. if H and I will separate. the answer was yes. I asked when and got the answer 6 months. then I asked if H finds a job. The answer was yes, when I asked when the answer was 6 months.

Ok, one reason why I am writing this down is because I am documenting my predictions. I went to get a healing from my friend M. She told me that while she was healing me, she got a feeling of loneliness from my heart. She asked her guide what is this loneliness connected to and got an answer that it was related to infertility. She said to me that she felt that I am in it myself (by "it" she meant creating a baby. H is not there with me emotionally. And she is so right! She also told me that she got a message that I may have a baby but H will not be the father.

She told me that she was happy in a way to hear that I had no eggs. Last time she healed me, she got a message that if there is an egg, it will result in a disabled child. She said that she does not think H is ready to deal with this. I said I am not sure if I can deal with something like this. But we do not need to be concerned about that.

Then I attended T. Page seminar. It was the most expensive seminar I have ever attended. However it is already pushing me towards starting my own business. I am in the process of creating advertisement. Ha! I also compiled the list of all the embassies where I plan to distribute my flyers. I already asked my friend to correct my translation of the flyer into Russian. Also, after this course, I feel different, more in touch with my right hemisphere and had an urge to hire a clothing consultant.

I already found one and hope to meet with her next week before my networking trip to Cambridge.

I am also very concerned about my job. I am concerned I will lose it without finding another one. I also feel that H and I are distancing from each other, although yesterday we had fantastic sex, it may not be enough to bring us together. The intimacy is gone and he does not want to open up and poses too many demands on my time. Today he is attending a seminar in anneagram - he is very interested in NLP (neuro linguistic programming). I was so unhappy yesterday, we had a fight. Why is he so needy? I feel like he needs me all the time. I have no time for myself and I need that time now to heal.

We are returning home empty handed

Ok, here is an update in the nutshell. I went through ER, which turned out to be nothing. It was nothing, really, in terms of physical pain. Ok, so the doctor took out two follies. After the procedure the doctor came to me. I knew what he was going to say that the follies were empty. And they were. There were no eggs. He did not recommend that I had more treatment with own eggs. So now genetic babies for me.

I am very sad but also relieved to know the truth. I can stop investing into something that's not to be. But imagine, I knew the answers, I heard them from my G.A. I got a clear answer that there would not be a child. So a lesson I learned from this - to ask for guidance before making important decisions and LISTEN and ACT upon that information - this is hard but will take practice. I promised to myself that I will do it.

Now I decided to forget about DE for now for about one month. I will spend that month until June 17 meditating and talking to my heart and my G.A. asking what I should do next. I will also spend one month loving myself and feeling that love that I have for the most important human being in my life - myself. I want to get in touch with my body and my soul during this time. Thereafter, I will see what I can do about DE's and whether I still want to do it. Now, I want to start healing and helping people. I will create a flyer after May when I become initiated in Reiki 2. I also want to take a few lessons in crisis management. GOing through infertility is going through a long lasting crisis.

I strongly believe that when one door closes, other doors open. I just have to have a clear mind to see what doors are opening for me. For that I need to take care of myself for one month.